A few comments on “The View”

I have the ability and pleasure to read a blog or two courtesy of Google Reader, mostly because anything by Blogspot is blocked by the workplace Goonware.  That also means that I’m not reading comments by most of you.

But Joe Flirt, who I read often (and I need to comment more, since I CAN comment on his WordPress blog) had an interesting post about something written by Bunni, who needs to be added to my Google Reader Club.  But I find that there are many people who seem to share Bunny’s sentiments, that they think that since they enjoy sex so much that all women must enjoy it as much as they do. 

But that’s not the primary thing I’m commenting on.  It’s the concept that men say they want a freak in bed, and then when confronted with that freaky chick, they run like scared bunnies.

 

There are two aspects of this that are equally troubling.  The obvious one is the scardy-cat men who are running away.  Or hopping away, if they are being like bunnies. The other is the heavy weight the women put on the view of these apparently weak-minded men.  If the guy is running off because you are being true to yourself, then nature is doing her job, right?  Weeding out the less confident, less fit and less capable?

 I’m trying to think if I’ve ever scampered off in the face of a more confident woman.  I’m trying to think of a time where I’ve ever scampered off.  I do think in my younger days, being massively inexperienced, I may have definitely been scared of women who were too womanly for me.  I was a total virgin until the age of 25, so there were a lot of years where I could have been running.  But once I got some experience, my first series of experiences were with younger women who were themselves insecure and inexperienced.  Even the one who had naked pictures of her taken by a professional.

The first time a gal wanted to go down on me, yeah I was uncomfortable with that but it was my own insecurity that made me a lousy lay.  It wasn’t until I dated someone several years older and who had been around the block a number of times that I became sexually confident enough to do and be done by my partner. 

Would I be a bit freaked if confronted by a bedsheet freak today?  Maybe.  But that’s all my own insecurity and doesn’t make me think less of any woman who likes to get down and dirty.  Unlike Joeflirt, my fantasies involve the demure school marm who wants to go down on her boyfriend and take it up the ass in her spare time or while grading papers.  Part of that is me being often perceived as being as straight and vanilla in real life as can be but knowing that I have a latent kinky side dying to be expressed and explored.  I don’t automatically assume the other Sunday School teacher down the hall from me is any different.  Another factor is just maturity.  As I get more comfortable with myself I’m able to feel less threatened by someone else’s differentness.  Many of the bunny-men are not as mature and will almost always feel threatened by anything that looks like it might make them feel inferior.  And that makes sense to me.  I’m not saying it’s right, but it makes sense.

Which leads me to the second thing; why are women all strung out about what the less mature and more inferior men are thinking about them?  I sort of get the sting of rejection when the guy might suddenly go limp, grab his clothes and go running and screaming down the hall.   But there seems to be a prevailing feeling that most men are like that.  Is that true?  Are most men freaked out when confronted by a sexually confident woman?

It could be true.  Confidence is a two-way street.  One must have it in order to appreciate it.  I think a lot of men want women who are sexually confident in order to raise their own confidence and esteem.  However when faced with the developmental task of being confident, they find they are not up for it, and go hopping off.  This relates to the topic of emotional fusion and borrowed functioning that Schnarch talks about.  A man wants the confident woman who will somehow make him more confident but ends up making him feel exactly the opposite!

A sexually confident woman who gets bunny-like because some bunny-men went hopping away in fear, isn’t really as confident as she is letting on.  I do understand why she might feel deflated, though.  When a woman decides to get sexually adventurous, she is practicing a form of disclosure which requires a certain level of trust.  However, the women act as if this disclosure is somehow riskier or more novel than what men have always had to endure.  Rejection and ridicule is a two-way street and it hurts no matter the gender of the person who is inflicting it.  The other-validated confidence game also goes both ways.  It takes a lot of courage to put oneself out there, and to endure the rejection when or if it comes.  The only real way to build that sort of fortitude is to actually do it, and step outside the comfort zone.

Extending FTN: Spanking

Or what to do with that “strong-willed” child.

I fully intend to do a thorough treatment of Autumn’s answers to my questions but first things first.

FTN recently wrote about his trials with his daughter and his thoughts on spanking. I’m sure he’s gotten lots of unsolicited advice via comments (Which I can’t read presently by RSS) but I feel the need to give him his own post on the subject. Google up spanking and you’ll get all sorts of interesting hits. And I’ll get some here, especially if I mention spanking and chastity. But that’s not my intended audience today. Sorry kinksters, maybe another time!

Like FTN, I had discussed this with my wife prior to becoming a parent. Like Autumn, Arwyn did not want to spank. Unlike Autumn, Arwyn has held to her guns. As a child, Arwyn and her siblings did get a wooden spoon. I got a belt (with mom) and a stick with Dad. Dad had a twist on his already-harsh discipline. He would make us get our own stick. The major part of that task was picking a wooden lath that didn’t have nails in it. Dad’s spankings were very infrequent. In fact I remember only getting it once from him and the impression of that was deep enough. I got the belt from mom much more often. A lot. And I let her do it because not allowing her to spank me whenever meant Dad would do it. And no one wanted that.

My oldest has developmental delays along the autistic spectrum which gave us both cause for pause as parents. But fortunately for all involved, one of us was a die-hard behaviorist and that’s the approach we use…most of the time.

I’m not against spanking and its judicious use. But if it happens too often it causes problems just like FTN is having now. For instance, when my oldest was 5 (he’s about to turn 9) he was acting up in church. So I took him outside and gave him a stern talking to. When he got defiant, I took him to the truck and gave him one single hard spank. It made an impression. It was enough of an impression that the next Sunday while we and the entire congregation was entering God’s house, he said in a voice loud enough to be heard in the entire county, “I DON’T WANT A SPANKING, DADDY! PLEASE DON’T SPANK ME!”

And this happened every Sunday for the next 6 weeks. I didn’t have anymore problems, except with an obsessive preoccupation he had with spankings. For him, it just wasn’t the best thing and after a month or so of very few spankings followed by an ever-increasing obsession I had to find other ways. I had to become the King Behaviorist.

Punishment represses behavior. It does not eliminate it and it does not fix it. While I don’t believe it teaches a kid violence (that’s something that doesn’t need to be taught) it does not teach appropriate behavior either. Getting a handle on problem behaviors involves asking one fundamental question: What do you want this child to do?

Once you figure that out it is a matter of teaching them how to do it. I’ll catch hell for saying it, but kids are essentially animals until we teach them how to be humans. That’s our job as parents. Kids are not born knowing how to act civilized, and it is not something you can beat into them. They must be taught.

I’m assuming that Autumn and FTN are already modeling civilized behavior. At least Autumn is. Kids are going to learn self-regulation, control and patience from their parents. Beating the hell out of a kid out of anger doesn’t model self-controlled behavior. I’m not saying anger is wrong or that it won’t serve a purpose in discipline. It’s okay to register your anger to children, but they also need to witness its control.

I’m not saying FTN is being a caveman child beater at all. In fact, he’s a pretty sophisticated guy who stuggles like every father does. I think all good fathers struggle. No problem there.

FTN wants his daughter to not talk so much at school. Okay, but that does not answer the question: what does he want her to do. Let’s noodle out talking behavior for a minute.

Talking serves an important function of communication. My oldest did not talk until he was 3, so a lot of his acting out was the result of his communication deficits. But once he started talking he wouldn’t shut up, which does not go over well in church during the pastoral prayer. He talked often and loud. So what did we do?

First, we reinforced “quiet behavior.” We used small food given contingently on quiet behavior. If he talked out, we might take the snacks away. As soon as he was quiet, he got his snack bag back. Also, munching cheerios or having a sucker is mostly incompatible with talking behavior. Mostly. One can talk while eating, but it provided enough stimulation to keep quiet until the food was gone. But we usually had enough to last until Children’s church time when the little tykes are sent to place where they can raise cain somewhere far from the sanctuary.

Obviously, this might not work in a school setting. But using a token economy can serve as a reminder for acquiring a reward contingent on a target behavior like being quiet. If you get 10 smiley faces you get a candy bar or get to play monopoly with Dad. Maybe give Monopoly money as a token and say she has to earn $100 to play the game with Dad. Adults do all kinds of stuff to earn privileges like that. You work and behave a certain way and you earn something fun. Money buys fun. She might as well start learning that now. Behaving poorly costs money. Levy a fine for bad behavior. But make sure the reinforcement schedule is rich enough she never goes in the hole. But also make sure the “cost” of her reward is high enough she can’t “retire” too early!

By using positive reinforcement you can give positive verbal praise to reinforce the desired behavior. “Good job being quiet and working! You are going to have so much fun playing Monopoly with your Dad!”

Good behavior has reinforcing properties all its own, but a child who is struggling often never accesses those rewards. Using an artificial system provides scaffolding in order to support her until she learns and gets access to more natural reinforcers like praise, good grades and more peer acceptance.

Autumn and FTN are falling into a common trap caused by relying too much on punishment. Basically when punishment is the sole tool it has to be administered more often and with greater intensity in order to continue repressing the behavior.

I remember seeing a Geraldo Rivera special years ago about a behavior institute where workers delivered electric shocks to clients who engaged in self-injurious or aggressive behaviors with a remote control. They could control the amount of current and they ended up having to use the maximum voltage to stop the behaviors. At that point, the director of the place was shopping for bigger zappers with a livestock company that sold cattle prods!

Repression is like building a dam. If the goal is to stop the water altogether, you have to keep building it higher and stronger. The trick is to control the output by providing a productive pathway.

My son is still having to learn when to talk and when not to talk. We’ve drilled him: If you want to get the teacher’s attention, wait until they look at you, raise your hand and wait for them to call your name. Talk and then get back to work. Don’t argue.

Sometimes spanking is sometimes necessary to get a child’s attention. They are so self-engrossed in their defiance or tantrum, they need to “snap out of it” in order to be brought back to earth. This can often be done by other means, however, like proximity, squeezing their arm or something a bit less intrusive.

If you’re going to spank, let’s talk about that. I’m of the opinion (and I’m unanimous in this) that one good, hard whack beats ten smaller ones. Yeah, it will hurt, but that’s kind of the point. But let’s not turn it into a harder job than it has to be. Do it one time and make it count. Doing it multiple times can entail getting carried away plus if the child is squirmy you’re going to have as many misses as hits. Make the first one count. Once you got the kid’s attention, take off the black hood and start teaching.

Autumn needs to spend less time on Discovery Health and more time watching Supernanny. Supernanny is a behaviorist at her core. That’s not to say I agree completely with her take on spanking, but I respect where she’s coming from.  The families Nanny Jo deals with are extreme examples but make for good TV.  Failing that, watch The Dog Whisperer on the National Geographic Channel. He’s a behaviorist, too. His techniques can work on kids as well as dogs. Trust me. Although it was kind of weird watching my oldest use the “Tssst!” on his little brother that I had just used on him. Oh well.

Telling a kid to do something over and over and over and over again before losing it teaches the child to ignore you. They’re smart little buggers and can tell where that line is. And watching Mom fall apart is cheap entertainment. The one warning and then act rule is a sound one and I’m betting FTN’s level of compliance from his kids is greater than hers. Men traditionally get greater compliance from their children and it’s not because they are men. It’s because they have an infinitely lower tolerance for foolishness. And THAT might be because they are men! Men, being less verbally inclined and more action oriented, are not going to repeat themselves endlessly. Redundant verbage is too exhausting for us. The kids learn that Dad is not going to play that game. Funnily enough, they feel more secure with that more solid boundary.

I sometimes see parents (mostly mothers again) do the counting thing. “1….2….3…..4….41/2….43/4….” This is exactly the same dynamic as repeating the verbage. This just means the kid can ignore the instruction until the last moment. Anything worth demanding compliance for is worth demanding and commanding it immediately. If the kid is about to run into a busy street, are you going to start counting? If the kid is drinking something poisonous is it going to be “Stop drinking that….stop drinking that….stop it…..stop it…..STOP IT!”?

I use a system of least-to-most prompts. First I tell them…

“Pick up your toys.”

They don’t do it. So I make sure I have their attention:

“LOOK AT ME!”

If they don’t look at me, I am up off the couch or chair and on my feet and on my way to get their attention. Obtaining a young child’s attention is the most often neglected yet important step in the process. If they are engrossed with the semi trucks or the pretty poison drinks I’m not going get anywhere verbally but I WILL obtain their attention.

Now that I’m on my feet and in their space, I am poised to act. I now point to the mess:

“Pick up your toys.”

Notice I’m not raising my voice because my proximity has their attention. If it doesn’t, I decrease the proximity until attention is obtained. An arm squeeze will often do it if nothing else.

If we’re dealing with a particularly obstinate and defiant episode, I’ll give a physical prompt which means grabbing their little hands and helping them put their junk away. And I’m none too gentle about it, registering my displeasure. We get the job done and are finished with it and move on.

If I still have a defiant tantrum, then we’re going to deal some punishment.

I want to say one more thing about punishment. I encounter a lot of parents who talk about how they’ve taken everything away until the child has nothing left to lose. And then wonderr why the behavior continues to deteriorate. Think about it; they have nothing more to lose.

The reinforcement schedule for compliance needs to be several times greater than the schedule of punishment so that they never end up with nothing left to lose. People are inherent gamblers and when you have nothing left to lose, you will go with the sure bet every time. Instead of asking themselves “Why should I behave?” they will ask “Why the hell shouldn’t I do whatever I want? Besides, I’m PISSED!”

For you children, the latency between the consequence and the behavior need to be as short as possible. If a child acts out at school at 10 a.m. and gets a consequence at home at 4 p.m., there’s little actual teaching going on and it’s almost a waste of time. It’s better to let the school handle it. But I’ve gotten letters home from teachers wanting us to do something when the kid is acting out. How to be supportive? I’ll talk to the child about their behavior, sure. The best time to have this talk is *before* school in order to close the latency between behavior and consequence. In the morning, I preteach good behavior and reinforce my expectations. I may offer a reward at the end of the day for good behavior and maybe even give the child a picture of whatever it is they are working toward to put on his desk at school to remind him. That enables me to “be there” without actually being there. If the child can read (and mine could read before he could talk) I might send an email to the teacher to give to the child during the day (perhaps with a picture) to remind him what I expect and the consequence that is hopefully positive for good behavior. Perhaps another picture is in order. Now I’m supporting and helping the teacher in her teaching and putting another tool in her hand that is hopefully more of a carrot than a stick, not that I haven’t delivered a virtual stick a time or two. But the orientation needs to be a positive one because there is already a bunch of negatives going on for children with behavior issues. Kids do not have the inherent ability to self-regulate their emotions and impulses. Some adults don’t either. As parents, we are really the child’s primary teacher and punishment is not the same as teaching. I’m not saying what FTN and Autumn are doing is wrong, per se, except there is some frustration there and I’d like to see it turned around for them and their daughter. They can keep working the way they are and their daughter will likely turn out okay. But at what cost? I’m just saying there are easier ways of doing it and better ways of living with less stress and less guilt. Parents do the best they can with the knowledge they have, and it’s not a job for the faint of heart. Parenthood offers more chances for growth than anything else in the world!

Okay, that’s my take on it. There’s a money back guarantee on this advice, so use it guilt and risk free. What do you have to lose?

D.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:18

Ask Autumn Anything

It’s that time of the year again! I was just looking through my archives from a year ago, and saw that feature and wondered if FTN would give it a go, again. I also wondered if Autumn would. Because I’m such a nosy guy, I usually have a mittful of questions for Autumn. Plus she does sometimes give me insight into my own wife. While that is still true, I’m a bit more interested in helping her help FTN with his hypersexuality disorder, if she’s courageous enough to share.

Are you game, Autumn?

1. What is the biggest change in your life since last year?

2. What do you think your biggest challenge is going to be in the coming year? How do you plan on dealing with it?

3. FTN sometimes makes it seem like you don’t want to deal with problems and you sometimes come off looking like an avoider who would rather wait for the problems to disappear on their own. Is that true? How much do you rely on FTN’s willingness and ability to confront or solve problems within your relationship, if there are any?

4. We kind of went through the “sexual anorexia” question in a previous year, and I apologize for that. Let’s pretend that I have the ability to offer a cure for this in the form of a pill. If you take the red pill, your sexual desire will increase and you’ll be as horny as FTN! If you take the blue pill, FTN’s desire decreases to the point where it is exactly the same as yours. What do you choose? Red, blue or no pills?  Or both pills, in which case your roles would completely reverse.

5. I asked FTN why he had such high sexual desire and he gave a list of 5 reasons.  (No cheating, FTN!) .  What do you think his 5 top reasons for liking sex so much were?

6. Apart from sex, what does intimacy look like to you?  Would you describe your relationship with FTN as intimate (apart from sex)?

7. How do you know sex is over with?  Who is more likely to be the one that wants to talk after sex?

8. FTN is having a huge mental block when it comes to figuring out what his psychological issues and dysfunctions are (apart from his hypersexuality).  You guys did do counseling, right?  Could you help him (and help us help him) by giving a list of 5 (or more) issues that he could work on?  Or was the counseling totally centered on your issues?  Feel free to make the list as comprehensive as you need.  Blogging is another form of therapy and we’re all here to help FTN in whatever way we can.

9. FTN wrote about a half marathon or something like it he was going to do with you.   Could asking him to do this be likened to him asking you to do certain sexual things?  You know, you might be able to motivate him to train harder if you wagered certain sexual things if he beat you in the race!

10.  As a busy mom, I realize your time is limited so I’m curious as to how you might prioritize your “spare” time.  So I’d like you to look at each activity below and classify each as to how you feel about doing them on a scale of 1 to 5.  5 = Excited and looking forward to doing it, 3 = will do if time allows but not too excited about, 1 =not excited about it at all and possibly dreading it.  Ready?  You go, girl!

a. Watching Discovery Health (The morbidly obese marathon)

b. Running/working out

c. Reading a romance novel

d.  Singing at church

e. Sex planned 2 days in advance

f. Reading a self-help book like Passionate Marrage

g. Going to a movie (romantic comedy)

h. Going to a movie (Action/adventure)

i. Attending a party with friends (no kids)

h. Eating out at a Chinese restaurant (no kids)

j. Eating at McDonalds (with kids)

k. Visiting your parents/family

l. Visiting FTN’s parents/family

m. Making out on the couch with FTN after the kids are asleep

n. Visiting a foreign country

o.  Blogging

p. Computer games/internet surfing

q. Changing diapers

r. Eating out at an Italian restarurant

s. Having drinks at a bar

t. Sleeping

u. Running a 15 mile race

v. Cooking

w. Unplanned sex TONIGHT

x. Talking about sex

y. Praying with FTN

z.  Answering questions from strange anonymous bloggers.

I hope this wasn’t too stressful of an experience as I try to make it thoughtful and at least somewhat fun.   You got a lot of courage (and patience) dealing with FTN, much less all of his strange, anonymous blogging friends!

D.

Spirituality and The Ultimate Differentiation

This is the final chapter of Passionate Marriage but probably not my final commentary on the subject.  But at least I’ll be able to index it properly.

 

Schnarch covers two major theme in this chapter; spirituality and death.

 

At first he was surprised as his clients seemed to exhibit a couple of characteristics during therapy.  One was the fact that they seemed to experience a greater spiritual awareness and hunger.  The second was that the more successful they became the more therapy they wanted.

 

Schnarch seemed to be a bit disarmed by the increasing spiritual awakening of his clients when he first started.  As I’ve gone along, I’ve been connecting some of the spiritual dots along the way.  Deeper intimacy seems to naturally incline us towards a deeper spiritual orientation.  As we become better acquainted with ourselves we begin to grasp a truth that we are greater than the sum of our parts.  Just as sex becomes more than just a grinding of body parts, people become more than a collection of organs.  We discover that there is a soul in there.  In us, and our partners.  As we stop depending on our partners to fulfill our deepest longings we discover an Other that was there all along and only through lifting the fog of fusion can we see Him more clearly.

 

When one reads this section of Schnarch’s book, it is advisable to tread carefully.  In other words, the reader has to differentiate enough to realize that Schnarch’s views do not have to become your own.  Schnarch takes an eclectic approach to spirituality that gives equal credence to pretty much every faith.  From a marketing standpoint, it makes sense because he wants to have the broadest possible appeal.

 

Fusion happens pretty much in any and every cult,  In fact, it is pretty much a defining characteristic as these beliefs become progressively more works-based.  God does care about what you do, but only inasmuch as it is a reflection of who you are.  The paradox is that only after throwing off the oppression of man-pleasing do people finally discover God.  Differentiation is a process that involves putting the old self to death and bringing forth a truer more Spirit-led person. While I don’t necessarily agree with his writing on specific spiritual points I do see merit in meeting people where they are. 

 

While this book has some spiritual content and implications, it is still a secular work.  Anyone reading it should be aware of that and treat Schnarch’s treatment of spirituality with caution.  I think he makes several concepts extremely accessible to a wide audience and in this performs a great service.  It opened my eyes to a lot of things.

 

Is this scripture?  No.  I think it is consistent with several key scriptural themes but Schnarch uses secular terminology.  For instance, disclosure is akin to confession.

 

  I see differentiation as being akin to repentance.  At least for me, that was what it felt like.  I confronted my flaws and insecurities and resolved to turn myself around.  You can not repent for someone else’s sin.  You can’t even really confess another’s sin.  The process of confession and repentance is a uniquely individual experience that each person must do for themselves.  Schnarch’s terminology points towards a sort of self determinism or individualism but that is not what it is in practice.  It’s the much more rigorous process that comes from the crucible.

 

The crucible itself is a process that involves putting the old sinful self to death and becoming a reborn being.

 

D.

Moving on…More Stepmania!

That last post’s discussion was lovely but it began wearing thin as it was really wearing away at my own need for other-based validation.  It was “XH and ME” and the ensuing discussion was more about him than me which was fine for a minute.  Feel free to continue, but I’m moving on.

Sort of.

I saw this article about music to work out by and wondered what the favs were out there.  Suffice it to say, I probably haven’t heard anything put out after 1994, or if I have it has been by accident rather than design.

according to the article, the sweet spot for cardio is 120-140 BPM, which fits me nicely although I’m more 130-150 and up.  With Stepmania, I can actually run upward above 300 BPM but only for around 2 minutes at a time.

In the Stepmania stepmix contest, there are occasions where people submit songs with very low BPM and these are often extremely challenging because you are going against how a body naturally wants to move at those speeds.  And then there are some that will start out reasonable at 130 BPM and speed it up to 450 BPM.  Those are quite nasty.

So what are my favorite dance/workout tunes?  I’m on dial-up for at least another week, so I hope you appreciate the effort here!

1. Blast the Speakers - Warp Brothers This song at 142 BPM is right in there.  I have various versions of this one that I have made stepfiles for.  On this Youtube version, you aren’t even hearing half of it, as the second half of this song is even better.  Once he says “Blast the Speakers!” the pace really picks up!  I dare you to listen to this and not move.

2. Murderous - Nitzer Ebb  These guys were at it in the 80’s and they were so far ahead of their time that I’ve only discovered them recently.  And once I did, I’ve been groovin’! Great for seriously burning off frustration.  This song in particular, but be warned that it might offend more…er…religious sensibilities.   Good workout music but nutcases in RL. You have to remember that EBM music out of Europe in the 1980’s was full of angst and anger.  And these guys really did it well.  They’ll make the list again.  You’ve been warned.

3. Cheeseburger - Sanxion7 : Sanxion7 makes dance music that is very popular with the Stepmania crowd and this silly little song is a lovely example of a rocking step song.  It is is probably the one my kids like the best of all my Stepmania songs.   And who doesn’t like cheeseburgers? (You’ll find the Cheeseburger link on his page with other songs)

4. What is love? Reloaded 2003 - Haddoway This song is cool on so many levels.  I always liked it, and then it was ginned back up for “Night at the Roxbury.” Then I rediscovered it just this past year with the reloaded 2003 version which is a souped up version of the original (the original is seen in the link).  At 135 BPM the remix works well and with an extended version it really makes a sweaty mess.  Add some really astounding steps on the stepfile and it is a barn burner.  And now I have this hot video to watch, too, as sauce for the goose.

5. Genom Screams Virus Remix - DM Ashura I’m having trouble finding links to the actual music, but real DDR freaks will know him and this song.  Yes, he does music for the real DDR game as well as for Stepmania.  At 150 BPM, this is one of his slower tunes!

6. Let Your Body Learn - Nitzer Ebb  Told you they’d be back.  They have several others that I like as well, but this one was easier to find on Youtube.

7. Popcorn: (EPO Melo mix) :This song was the first electronic synthesizer music to hit the pop charts in the U.S. in 1972.  And yes, I was there and remember hearing it on the school bus and thinking it was really cool. Since then, the song has been done and redone many, many times.  This one hits my sweet spot at around 135 BPM.  Finding my version has been daunting but go here and you can listen to clips of all of them.  What’s your favorite?

8. Klungkung 2004 - DM Ashura How did he get two in here?  Probably because this song and stepfile from the Stepmania 1 contest blew me away on level 1, which was a 3 footer.  I loved it, as it was fast and exhausting at 175 BPM.   But as a 5 footer, it is still the toughest song I play that is rated “light.”  Okay, the video isn’t much to look at, but it is an awesome song for a real cardio workout…if you can handle it.

9. How U Like Bass - Norman Bass My version has some potty-mouthed spoken stuff that I don’t  play around my kids, but I do have a version that I used Audacity to  splice out the bad/stupid dialogue.  At 140 BPM it just hits and splicing out the spoken parts (that just hack an otherwise good groove) makes it a better workout song.

10.  MAX Forever -DM Ashura I hate putting the same person in so many times, but this is my latest greatest song that is testing me on the step mat.  This one does change speeds and goes from 150 BPM (which is fast but reasonable) to an insane 300 BPM.  what makes this one even more challenging is that it is almost 6 minutes long.  Most DDR/Stepmania songs are right around 2 minutes and this is a marathon that seems to go FOREVER!  If it wasn’t such a good tune and as fun as it is, I would never bother.  In the video you see this fellow “challenging” himself by working this on the keyboard.  He’s working on a 9-foot level (I think) where I work it on the mat at a 7-foot level which is as low as this song goes.  It’s still crazy.  Scoring a ‘C’ on this thing is a major victory for me!

This list looks lamer than I intended, but it shows sort of where I’m at, cardio/music wise.

I’m sure some of you could assemble better lists with better-known artists.  It just so happens I’ve found it hard to find “regular” music that fits the 135-165 BPM pace that I like.  Many pop songs can hit at 120 BPM, but that seems very slow to me nowadays!

FYI, songs 1, 4, 7 & 9 can all be found on this album right here.

D.

XH and Me

I throw tons of traffic XH’s way (or as much as I get) and read everything he writes because the guy has some serious brains. It’s also because I can relate to him on many, many levels. What started out as a connection of experiences with wives who didn’t seem to like sex has branched off into other areas, especially theology and Christianity. XH and I also share some very key personality aspects such as being analytical and deep-thinking. We also share some of the less glamorous personality traits that feed into a couple of his most recent posts.

I sort of felt that his “Problem of Self” post was an oblique reference to things I’ve been writing about differentiation. I had serious thoughts about ginning up a serious reply/rebuttal but couldn’t think of a good reason to do it other than mental masturbation. His latest post about his quest for intimacy with his wife, tho, does move us past that. That is because he knows, and I know and he knows that I know he knows that I know that this has some serious spiritual underpinnings.

Intimacy is something God desires with us. God created intimacy because of His own deep, deep capacity for it. God feels stuff. God created us in His image, and put His essence into us. We are created to love intimately. When one knows another, in the Biblical sense, it is more than simply interlocking parts and exchanging bodily fluids. It is about intimacy. I give XH some props for figuring this out in his 30’s instead of his 40’s, like me.

In the comments to the intimacy post (the “self” post didn’t have many, much to XH’s chagrin) Desmond offers a bit of generous criticism of XH’s ways. Namely the condescending and arrogant ways. I’m going to build on that a bit.

My first ever blog was Sensual Dementia which had a little tagline that said something like “Thoughts from a condescending prick of a husband.” That label was pinned on me when I lived in the iVillage, and I resented it at first but ended up totally embracing it. That label was given to me by none other than Satan! To be perfectly honest I was a condescending prick. I still have a lot of that prick within me that comes out often enough. This is one reason why XH has a capacity to rile me in ways few other bloggers can. It takes a prick to really appreciate the prickishness of another one! XH and I connect in a wierd sense of similarity and commonality but we also have some sharp differences of opinion. Our capacity to get along and be civil to each other hinges on our ability to handle those differences. I have to be able to recognize that despite our eerie similarities, we are different people. We are not the same and it is entirely possible that two intelligent people can look at the exact same thing and come to entirely different conclusions. That is a very important key, here. So even though I don’t see eye-to-eye with him on all of his theology, we can still get along without getting all flamey. It’s not as easy as the rest of you might think. I have a natural penchant for flaming and used to use it on Usenet all the time. Alt.flame could be a pretty fun place. I give him some credit for helping me grow out of that a bit more. I don’t have to respond to what he says if I don’t want to; I can walk away.

In XH’s particular denomination there is an emphasis on uniformity which they incorrectly define as unity. However XH has differentiated himself from his denomination in some very significant areas, namely with his sense of history and his take on creeds He also has maybe a half dozen other areas where he might not agree with the original founders. He’s opinionated to an extreme and isn’t too afraid to throw those opinions out.

So what does this have to do with why his wife won’t trust him with her feelings?

Everything. I know this because I can now see the sort of damage I’ve done in my own marriage by carrying on in exactly the same way. This goes beyond pop psychology, but into reality. And I’m all about reality.

XH’s blog relationships can serve as a bit of a model for what is happening in real life. The first time I handed him some criticism, he turned off his comments, flushed his blogroll and got royally pissed. I was seriously worried he might go dark over it! But given more time to think, he reconsidered.

Why did he do all that? It’s because he was hurt and he didn’t want to be hurt again. He still doesn’t want to be hurt again so he has taken another tact tthat I know really, really well because I’ve used it more than once.

In his Intimacy post, XH mentions his feelings about his wife’s particular intellect which I thought was gutsy. It was that point where a few people might take exception. And we can see how he does this in the blog world.

When it comes to theology and religion, XH looms very, very large. He knows the Bible, Bible history and Christian history probably better than anyone else around the neighborhood. He’s an intellectual heavy weight and this is how he fends off attacks. I’m sure this is not a conscious decision, but I feel pretty confident that it works. I’ve gotten more than one private email from people who are cautious about commenting on a religious post because their ideas might get him riled up. They are afraid to challenge him and afraid of being challenged by him. I admit that I often measure my words against the thoughts and response of an opinionated and zealous XH, who is passionate about his faith.

Thing is, I have the exact same problem. Not just with my wife but with other members of my family. Over the holidays, my mother shared that my brother and sister are often afraid of my intellectual sharpness. My words have the ability to cut deeper than I ever realized. It’s not about being abrupt, rude and vindictive so much as it is about being careless and casual. Like XH, I often assume people know things that I know and see things as I see them. When they don’t, I act surprised because I am surprised! I’m not intentionally trying to be mean or make others feel small and stupid, but it surely happens all the time. People get around me they feel really dumb. And sometimes I really do think some people I’m around are really dumb.

While it isn’t overt, it really does function as a defense mechanism. The best defense is a good offense, and having a razor intellect and whip-like tongue can mask a lot of insecurities and other psychological deficiencies. This is why XH’s theological posts get very few comments while posts on his relationships garner so many. In his relationship posts, we are all on equal ground. He shows his weaknesses with honesty and others see his vulnerability and jump in. Not with accusations or flames but with support. Spiritually, he does have an arrogant swagger. Emotionally, he’s like the rest of us. If he wants more comments on his theological posts, he should quit being a spiritually arrogant, condescending prick of a know-it-all smart ass. Show a bit of vulnerability there, quit acting like the fellow with all the answers and stop sounding like a pharisee. Find a theological question he doesn’t know the answer to and ask others about it.

All of the above only apply if he wants comments or friendly responses. Otherwise, a body writes and puts stuff out there regardless. I’ve got a butt load of posts about psychology on the Blogger version of UA that have few or no comments. I just like having them there and sometimes people come ’round years later and comment. While I like comments, I’m okay not getting them on every post. I just move on. Stepmania post, anyone?

So let’s get back to “self” for a minute and talk about how that fits in to this whole thing.

Like XH, I also see much of psychology having a very “selfish” orientation. Within the Freudian Psychodynamic perspective, it’s all about a person’s past unresolved conflicts. No room for God there. With the cognitive perspective, it is our own false beliefs and irrational thoughts that make things get unglued. With behaviorism, it is all about contingencies of reinforcement. None of the psychological perspectives have any acknowledgement whatsoever of sin and the need for redemption and salvation. No need of a Savior or an acknowledgement of God. It’s all about healing ourselves and becoming our own little god and saving ourselves from our own misery..

That’s not to say there are no truths in psychology. Studying it can be very beneficial in understanding human behaviors and emotions. But relying too much on it can result in losing perspective. The science of emotion and behavior is a worthwhile subject of study but not to the exclusion of others. I get where XH’s suspicions come from. I share much of his skepticism. But differentiation is not the same as individualism or existentialism. It has some similar ideas but isn’t married to a human construct of godlessness.

The problem XH has with his wife is derived from his problems with God. The lack of intimacy he shares with his wife is a mirror of the lack of intimacy with God. Both reflect a poor understanding of differentiation, nevermind its application. And keep in mind, XH and I share a similar psychopathology. We both want intimacy but we’re doing stuff that shoots us in the foot. It was by looking at how XH was coming across that made me realize where I was doing the same sort of stuff. Much of it has to do with being arrogant and being a condescending prick. Even if I don’t mean to be, I need to be more measured and conscious of what I’m doing and saying. I need to take some ownership of my own intellect and then realize that it really isn’t all that. In a sense, XH handing me my rhetorical ass on a plate has been instructive.

Being intimate with God means working past the tendency we have of see God as a being who is constantly and forever offended by everything we do. We do a lot of offensive things, to be sure. However we’re not going to get anywhere if we are forever on guard about offending Him. Who wants to walk on egg shells 24/7? This is how XH’s wife, Z, feels about XH. She can not open up to him because he will find fault with what she says and does. He will become self righteous in defending the faith. She isn’t allowed to have her own individual preferences without risking offense so she puts up her own defense. An intellectual defense against XH would take a lot of energy as he’s so formidable that way. So she uses an emotional one which is working exceedingly well.

Differentiation is about realizing that two married people are not in the same boat. They are still in separate boats, trying to act like they are in one. When someone else tries to steer my boat, they are being controlling and manipulative. When I’m steering both boats it is called togetherness, cooperation and unity! Invoking that whole Biblical submission theology is going to reap a cold dryness that will rival any polar ice cap in the solar system. You can not compel and force authentic intimacy by rules, force, intimidation, threats or any other way.

XH has all the mechanical elements of a fulfilling sex life. By any objective measure, he should be thrilled! He has frequency, he has techniques, he has a variety of activities and a wife who swallows. What the hell is he complaining about? He’s not getting intimacy. One can get all the sexual activity requirements from any hooker, but intimacy is something that can’t be purchased at any price. It is only bought at the expense of self, but not quite the way XH would have us believe in his “self” post.

There is a paradox coming up, and I know some people are going to have a problem with it. Rule-based people who are rigid get very constipated when there is a paradox lounging around. But here it is…

You are only going to be able to connect intimately with another when you are properly differentiated. The level of intimacy one has is directly proportional to the ability to deal emotionally with the differences. If one goes ape shit over some little issue like theology, how can I trust them with my heart? I can say the stuff I do here because I’m anonymous. But how do you stay anonymous in a relationship like marriage? You can’t do it. You can try to create emotional distance but the other person will know you more than you want over time. So you try to deal with differences by trying to eliminate them or acting like they don’t exist. Emotional fusion is when we try to eliminate differences through uniformity. We insist on conforming tothe standard. Whose standard? Well, the man’s standard of course! That’s because he’s conforming to God’s standard, which is the Bible! So we need to squash and press out any differences so that we are a nice, smooth, uniformly united couple. It’s a struggle to maintain that facade while we’re at church and I’ve met a few couples that couldn’t do it. Or wouldn’t. Now imagine keeping the hot iron on every day all day.

Differentiation is about allowing the other person to have their own feelings and opinions without feeling threatened and anxious. XH gets his panties in a wad when I write something he sees as rifled with theological errors. Actually it’s probably not true emotionally, but intellectually he feels compelled to correct the error which he does thoroughly and completely. Which compels me to fix his errors! All done in love, right? It’s no way to run a marriage. Or at least a happy marriage.

Thing is, Z isn’t all that different from XH. We always pick someone with whome we are evenly matched. Z does have some sharpness of her own that was demonstrated all too briefly on her own blog. Just look at the title of it! There is a synergy there that is actually inhibiting their intimacy. Two people with their own unique brand of arrogance and condescension trying to live together. They have amazingly pulled this off but the price has been their intimacy. When their intimacy increases their arrogance will suffer. Not a bad thing but they will suffer for it.

This last paragraph is a real tail twister, because it sets up a bit of a dilemma for XH. I stuck it in there as a manifestation of my own sadistic nature, which oddly enough is covered in the next chapter in Schnarch’s book about the two choice dilemma and marital sadism.

I might extend this post out later but let’s see where it goes on its own.

D.

That didn’t take long.

While musing about the Christian Husband (XH for those who have yet to figure it out) thing I had another thought that plays directly to his “Self” post.

A while back there was some sort of meme going around and it asked something like “Could you live with a replica/copy/clone of yourself?” My answer to that is a definitive NO! I know this only because I see XH as my evil twin and he is bad enough as it is without being an exact copy. In our little community, he and I get into spats as much as anyone else. While this disturbs people in our peaceful, virtual Utopian world, I see that it is kind of necessary.

At the risk of blunting my sadistic side shown above, I have to say I’ve learned a thing or two about self growth through these heated exchanges. I’ve had to confront my less angelic side as well as acknowledge that it isn’t all bad. Using XH as a sort of reflection, I can say that I don’t like myself very much. I don’t like upsetting myself, I don’t like it when I make myself angry and I don’t like it when I see myself upsetting other people. I don’t like my pride and arrogance. I don’t like my condescending prickish self. I really, really loathe all that. But here’s the fact jack: I have to live with myself. I can avoid and move away from every other person on the planet except myself. My own sinful nature is right there, all the time, 24/7. Pretending it isn’t there means I end up fobbing off all my faults and insecurities on to other people. I cause pain to other people. I treat other people like livestock because I’m not dealing with my issues.

For example, there is the smoking issue. Bad, bad, bad, bad. Not much good about it. Except I like it and it helps medicate my pain and anxiety. That excuse of self medicating is a crutch I use to avoid dealing with my own shit. I blame Arwyn for causing my anxiety and thus my smoking. Arwyn hates my smoking. But I smoked before we were married, so she knew she was marrying a smoker. She had regular sex with a smoker: me. She refused to have sex with me when I stopped smoking. Smoking isn’t her issue. It’s mine. And I gotta deal with it without blaming her for it. I smoked before I met her and would continue if she left me today, using that anxiety as an excuse.

I’m confronting things on a lot of levels at the moment that I might rather not. But the conflicts are what have been driving me. Differentiation is a matter of introspection and integrity and not about selfishness. Denial and selfishness are all about fusion, manipulation and control of others. Whenever we try to become fused together through uniformity it is always at the expense of others. Insisting that others are fools for not using andouille sausage is a lot like insisting that others are fools for playing DDR instead of Stepmania. It basically involves an incursion into other people’s preferences and business. While it references their incompetence it also puts us into a corner where just about anything anyone else does calls into question our own integrity.

Uniformity is insisted upon in the military for a reason. It’s because we need to be exactly the same in order to accomplish a single unique mission: to kill other people before they kill us. Not exactly a model for Christian or marital unity.

D.

So You Want to Be a DDR King…

Or Queen, as the case may be. I was SSSOOO excited when I read FADKOG’s (who shall henceforth be called “Sugar”) post on her new DDR Super Nova game. I totally got wood! Fortunately I was differentiated enough to remain calm enough and in control to composed a lovely and lengthy comment to that post. Unfortunately Blogger ate the comment.

Fucking Blogger.

Hey, I’m just staying with the theme, here!

Anyway, I knew very, very few of the songs she mentioned. The one by A-Ha being the only one that rang a bell, and Take On Me has limited utility for serious step dancing. But I’m totally thrilled to have someone who is of my 80’s loving generation who is willing to take this game on. So I’m going to pass along a few things I’ve learned along the way and perhaps Sugar’s enthusiasm will result in others taking up the game. Perhaps there could be a resurgence of step dancing game-playing as we combine our health consciousness and video nerdiness with some serious ’80’s tunes. After all, she is seriously cool with a kickass rack. If she can’t start a local fad, I have no idea of who else could do it.

So I’m your facilitator to the world of step dancing. And the first thing I’m going to do is steer you clear of DDR Super Nova 2. I read the reviews and looked at the musical line-up, and my hat is off to anyone who sticks with this version of the game. You’re seriously hardcore DDR. I am going to steer you towards the free and open source version, which is Stepmania. While you can download everything you want and need (and more) from the site, I do encourage folks to purchase the $20 CD which funds the various Stepmix contests. Or if you want me to send you a copy of mine, just let me know where to send it. Seriously, Open Source means FREE as in beer!

Fortunately Stepmania and DDR are similar enough that we can talk about the basic elements without causing too much grief. Dance Dance Revolution is a series of games (video and arcade) that involve stepping on arrows in time with the music. Hitting the arrows in time and in sequence is rewarded with points. Missing involves penalties. Hitting several arrows in a row is a combination or “combo”. A higher combo will multiply your score. Forr instance, hitting a 100 combo means that I’ve hit 100 arrrows in a row without missing. But if I miss at the 101st step, my combos have to start over. The scoring will multiply your highest combo so after missing that 101st step I can still better myself by hitting the next 110 arrows without missing.

 

 

There are several types of arrow combinations that include traveling around the mat, jumping and holding. Stepmania also includes mines and lift steps, but I turn those off because they are exceedingly nasty and hack my dancing groove. The steps are generally in 4-4 timing, musically although higher levels will include many half and quarter steps that require more speed and agility.

Let’s talk about levels and scoring for a bit. It’s my understanding that DDR has 3 basic skill levels with the various grades between them. Stepmania can have up to 5, but it is the grades or “feet” that really matter. A given song may have 3 or more levels, and each level is rated a certain number of “feet.” “Feet” are just the arbitrary symbol for degree of difficulty and more feet means more difficult.

One foot would be a beginner level with maybe 50 steps in the entire song. So they come relatively slow and far between. You may not be stepping every beat or even every other beat but you are learning how to time your steps and orient yourself to the mat. Two feet would be maybe 60-70 steps with a jump or two thrown in. You’ll know it’s a jump when you see two arrows come up at once and you have to hit them both at the same time. The only way to do that (assuming you have no more than two feet) is to jump.

Before going up to a higher level, beginners have a tendency to pick which arrows will be hit with which feet. For instance, the up and left arrow get the left foot and the right and lower arrow get the right foot, sort of playing zone defense with their feet. But this will break down in higher levels so you might as well get used to the idea of traveling all over the mat. That means not reorienting to the center after every step. Stepping is exactly that: walking, jumping or running from arrow to arrow. You are not penalized for being on an arrow that you aren’t supposed to be on, only for not being on an arrow when it comes up. Those of you who have played Guitar Hero will have a rough idea of how this works, only it takes some time orienting to the space of the mat.

Scoring is rated according to how closely you are timed with the music and your combos. At the end you get scored A-E, where ‘E’ is failing and A is pretty good. AA is way better and AAA and AAAA are impossible dreams, at least for me.

With DDR, you have to score well on the songs in each stage at a certain level in order to “unlock” more songs. High scores at higher levels unlock more songs. So this gives a person an incentive to keep working and keep playing in order unlock more songs. Thing is, some of the songs might be kind of crappy which means you might have to keep dancing to some crappy songs in order to get to the cool songs. And then you discover the cool songs aren’t all that cool so you dance to more crappy music hoping to unlock the REALLY cool songs.

The complaints I read in reviews of DDR Supernova 2 were that songs were not all that good. I have no idea and since I play Stepmania, it isn’t a concern. Yeah, there’s crappy songs in that game, too, but adding and deleting the music is not a problem. I’ll explain more about that later.

It’s easy to get carried away, as our friend Sugar discovered. On a lower level of play, you can literally play for hours at a time and not realize it. That’s because the steps are relatively far apart and it may take an hour to burn 200 calories. That’s okay because you’re just learning the game. These step games are good aerobic workouts because they are loads of fun and combine video games, dancing and music and possibly annoying a spouse, parent or sibling. But getting a really good workout means doing lots of steps in shorter and shorter periods of time which means higher and higher levels. I currently live at the 5-7 foot level, which is about 75-150 steps per minute which is easily 200+ steps per song which is a lot more than the 50 steps at beginner level. So take a song at 120 Beats per Minute (BPM) and throw in a bunch of half and quarter steps or a bunch of jumps and you get a decent workout. My groove is 135-150 BPM and anything less seems ungodly slow. That’s why the play list for DDR looks a little light to me, but 6 months ago I might have liked it better.

I like Stepmania for a lot of reasons, besides the fact that it is free. First is that I have an unlimited song selection. I can make a stepfile for any mp3. I can also download hundreds of stepfiles from the web. Right now, I have over 400 songs with stepfiles. With infinite variety I can play whatever I feel like and most of the time it is hard and fast. Stepmania is also infinitely configurable. I can pick whatever animated character I want to dance with (or none), decline to do mines or hold steps, increase or decrease the tempo or choose a dozen different modes like “drunk mode” or “dizzy mode.” I rarely play “stage play” which is the default DDR mode but usually travel through a song group systematically until they are all mastered and then either find another group and increase the difficulty.

There are a couple of disadvantages to Stepmania that need mentioning. One is that most step mats are made for PS/PS2 consoles and so getting it on the PC involves a USB converter costing about $7-10. Not all mats and converters play well with a PC and one must be persistent to make it work. Configuring the mat to work properly can also be a pain compared to a PS2 game where you plug it in and it just works.

The configurability is a double-edged sword because with so many possible options it may take awhile to get it exactly the way you want. Hours could be spend tweaking instead of dancing, which takes a bit of nerdiness to really enjoy. But once everything works, it works wonderfully!

For DDR and Stepmania alike, I recommend trying a cheap mat to start with but once you get past beginner level, you’ll want to upgrade. I have some nice Red Octane mats I found on eBay for half price. The cheap mats slide around a lot when an adult body gets moving fast.

Just thinking about playing? Try and you can play with the arrow keys on your keyboard! Stepmania can also be played on the keyboard and I’d say a majority of the folks actively playing it are keyboard players. It was useful for me playing that way because I learned the game basics, tweaked the program and was able to rate song difficulty before getting on the mat. So I highly recommend trying it before investing any money

For exercise, it compares favorably to a treadmill although you may find yourself do more either because of the game aspect or liking the music aspect or both. But the impact on the bones and joints is about the same, depending on the thickness of your mat and your floor. It is mainly targeting the lower body, but as anyone whose been reading me knows, it can be an effective weight loss tool.

These games also have one other drawback though. Their loudness can and will annoy anyone else in the house. I do my workout after work at work when everyone else is gone. Sometimes I do it at home but Arwyn usually retreats when I do and sometimes the boys go with her. Doing it late at night or early in the morning isn’t going to work unless you find wireless headphones that work, which I haven’t found. Notice Joe Flirt making a hasty retreat after his daughter got one as well as Sugar’s family.

I’m encouraged to see other folks trying it out so maybe it can be a more popular activity at RWB reunions.

D.

Sexual Desire: Wanting to Want

 

As one might guess, this is the chapter I really wanted to get to.  It was tempting to skip over the previous sections just to get to this part.  But I persevered.  And the payoff is an encompassing theory that goes a long way in explaining low sexual desire. 

 

He starts off by being a bit flip in suggesting that the low desire partner is frequently the one with the best adjustment since they simply don’t want sex that isn’t worth having.  Okay, he has a point.

 

Biological drive is often over emphasized in today’s attitudes about sex.  In fact, for most of western civilization’s history, the emphasis was on decreasing sex drive.  It’s only been in the past few decades that sexual desire was seen as a healthy human expression.  The problem is that the pendulum has swung over so far that now low desire is seen as a psychopathology.  Sexual appetite is seen as natural as wanting food, hence the term sexual anorexia for those with low desire.

 

Oops.

 

Longtime readers will recognize that I followed that one up for quite awhile.  The problem with this, according to Schnarch, is that human sexuality resides in the frontal lobe of the brain, the neocortex, where the most complex of human thinking takes place.  Some still resides in the base area just above the spinal chord which he calls the reptilian thinking area or the more primitive thinking.  Gosh, I’ve bandied the reptilian analogy around a bit, too.  Who the hell wants to have sex with a reptile?  That’s where the biological drive lives, and people who are going after the basic biological instinct are appealing to that lower functioning area which isn’t terribly flattering when you think about it.  But the good news is that we really aren’t living there, sexuality-wise, even though we may talk and act like it.

 

The problem with the higher thinking type sex is that it pretty much makes us prone to some type of sexual dysfunction.  Because we seem to always set ourselves up for emotion fusion, low desire is apparently almost an inevitable byproduct of long-term relationship.  Differentiation can only really happen within the sexual crucible model and low desire is one of the major engines for this type of growth.

 

I’ll speak to more of what this looks like in my other blog.  It really, really fits my personal experience.   I should have known.  So should many of you.

 

So I’m reading along and then Schnarch has a subtitle:

 

The Person with the Least Desire for Sex Always Controls It.

 

My mental reaction to seeing that was, “No Shit, Sherlock!  Tell me something I don’t know!”  This has ramifications beyond the problem of frequency.  It has to do with the how and where of it, as well.  The low desire person is the gate keeper of what is allowed as far as specific activities.  So even if sex is happening regularly, it may involve an amazingly narrow repertoire of allowed activities.  Or the attitude behind it is so awful that it makes the other person feel objectified and disconnected.   Even if orgasms are happening, sex can still be aversive thus short circuiting the whole operant conditioning that I might expect as a behaviorist. 

 

This last is a bit troubling for me.  But it stands to reason that operant conditioning works in the mammalian sense, which is better than the reptilian sector but still below human thinking and functioning.  Basically humans are capable of attaching a lot more to sex beyond the pleasure drive/pain avoidance model. 

 

Basically, we have 3 choices in regards to how we handle sexual tension in the form of differing desires:

1. Emotional detachment

2. Emotional engulfment and smothering (either by us or by our partners)

3. Greater differentiation.

 

Any of the first two involves emotional fusion.  Even though #1 looks more like differentiation it is simply the result of emotional fusion.  As our partner becomes more and more significant to us, we have more to risk and lose through either lack of acceptance or even total loss of our partner.  Our capacity to handle this increased significance of our significant other directly correlates to the idea of differentiation.  Differentiation is basically this: how do I handle the anxiety and tension that result in my partner’s growing significance in my life?  I’ll answer that elsewhere, later, for me.

 

Finally, Schnarch goes into the idea of wanting to want.  In the reptilian sense, we want sex in order to satisfy our lizard-like desire to spread our genes hither and yon.  It also satisfies the biological tensions of not having sex e.g. blue balls.  On another level, we want it in order to validate ourselves.  We want to be wanted and we want to be needed.  We want our partner to desire us with passion.  In fact, the complaint of many HL persons is more often a lack of passion in sex than frequency or specific activities.

 

Wanting or not wanting sex is a function of wanting or needing to feel wanted and desired sexually.  The low desire partner might feel objectified because they feel like the partner simply wants sex for sex sake, that whole reptilian thing.  Any hole will do.  The other part of the equation is the fear of loss and/or abandonment.  The anxiety caused by the fear of losing the other person can be so great as to actually inhibit sexual desire and passion.  This is why sex can be so fast and furious in new relationships and one night stands.  There is some tension there but there is no emotional fusion and no anxiety about emotional dependency from which a person must withdraw from.   

 

Both higher desire and lower desire partners are missing out on the intimacy potential of sex but from seemingly opposite sides.  But the marital system is designed to produce greater emotional growth in both partners no matter which side of the libido fence they are on.

 

D.

Merry Christmas!

I have the pleasure of teaching the Sunday before Christmas and the Sunday before New Years.  I wonder if anyone will show up.

 

The format will be extremely informal.  I just want to know where everyone is, spiritually speaking.  Are there challenges with the Christmas season that are unique?  What are they?  Why are they more challenging now than other times during the year?

 

What are you most looking forward to this season?  Maybe the holidays being over?

 

“After the holidays” is something that is heard a lot more this time of year.  People put off things until after the holidays.  They put off weight loss, starting a new habit or breaking an old one.  Conducting business this time of year can be a challenge.  Everything from construction projects to just getting in to see the doctor.  Try traveling by air for a good time.  It is difficult to get anything done’

 

In our church group we are every bit as much caught in the web.  Family night supper…not until after the holidays.  Choir practice…after the holidays.  Church office….closed for the holidays.

 

All in the name of celebrating the birth of Jesus.  But when Jesus was born, people still were living their daily lives.  They were in the midst of being counted for a tax declared by Caesar Augustus. They were tending vineyards and flocks, fishing, making and dying clothe, trading, bartering and selling.  

 

We talk all during the season of lent about anticipating the coming of the baby Jesus.  It’s an odd thing to talk about this.  Wasn’t he already born?  Why do we look forward to the birth of the baby all over again?  Why do we insist on putting Jesus back in the manger every year?

 

It is a good time of year to celebrate the coming of Christ.  We commemorate this event because it is when God came to live among us.  God loved the world so much the He came here to be one of us.  Why?  It wasn’t to bring some more laws and commandments.  He already sent Moses and the prophets for that.  It was not to set up an institution.  The Jews had a fine institution with a temple, synagogues, priests and other leaders to judge and interpret the law.  The scribes and Pharisees carefully preserved the laws and traditions during the exile and during various occupations and persecutions.

 

God did not need to come to Earth in order to set up a religion or a religious government.  There were already elders, priests, teachers of the law and civil authorities in place.  In fact, the Roman Empire afforded unprecedented opportunities in civil government, leadership and  peace and security.  There had already been prophets, judges and kings. 

 

The institutions and laws set up by God were not going to suffice.  God has a bigger plan which He had from the beginning.  God wanted His creation to be able to walk with Him as Adam did in the Garden of Eden.  People needed God but God wanted a people who would know Him.  A people who cared about knowing Him.  The only way to restore that relationship was to deal with the problem of sin which ruined that relationship in the first place.  That relationship can only be restored by somehow dealing with sin.  Jesus, God with Us, was the only solution that would do.

 

All the hoopla is about God being in relationship with us and us being in relationship with Him and each other.   It is about restoring a relationship broken by sin.  Without relationship, Christmas makes no sense.  It’s no accident that many broken relationships are often restored this time of year.  People who don’t speak to each other any other time of year seek to connect around Christmas.  Why?

 

I think it is because relationship is hard wired into our psyche.  We’re made in God’s image and God created humans especially to have relationship with Him and with each other.  Once relationship is broken (on account of sin) we are in a state of unrest until we can reconcile.  This time of year is about human relationship for most people but for God it is Him reconciling people to Himself.  And it all began with the baby in the manger.  It is all difficult to understand unless we consider how we feel about our own broken relationships.  In order to truly reconcile we need to physically connect and touch.  And that’s what God did.  He reached His hand out to us.  Will we reach back?  Will we return the embrace?  God leaves that entirely up to us, but He’s there whenever we decide to show up in the relationship. 

 

Through being in a human relationship where only one of us shows up at a time, I’ve come to understand how God feels when we do that to Him.  He understands rejection in the most intimate and personal way possible.  It happens to Him everyday on a massive, global scale.    

 

D.

[This morning the lesson went swimmingly well as the other folks really did bring their game on and we had some dandy discussion.  Even a few resolutions about getting along with hard-to-take relatives based on this lesson which I started out rea