Digging into the Top 10 a little deeper

I’m in the process of refining and extending my top 10 list. It’s still good in its rough form, but it deserves a more thorough treatment now that it is over 5 years old. Time has not worn away its sharp edges but that doesn’t keep me from trying to sharpen it even more. So let’s look at #1 and see what can be done with it:

1. Someone with a lower libido will exhibit little interest in sexual topics such as suggestive jokes, innuendo, various forms of erotica including sensual depictions in film and literature or sexual toys and props.

One of the primary aims of my list is trying to determine a person’s relative sexual libido without actually having sex with them. As it turns out, there are many indicators if a body is observant and knows what to look for.

In the case of men, determining relative libido can be even more of a challenge than with women. This is because so many things a man might be into seem to have sex attached as some sort of accessory. Just because he subscribes to Playboy, does not mean he is going to be a ravenous sexual tiger. He may actually read it for the articles. And even if he likes the pictures, it doesn’t mean he’s going to be into you. In reading various women, I’ve come to realize that men can have at least as complicated of sexual behaviors as women and this first indicator can be among the most confusing and conflicting when trying to read a man. I knew a guy who was totally into porn, ogling women and sexual jokes. But he was constantly too tired to fuck his frustrated wife at near the frequency she wanted. What he lacked was a genuine appreciation for the sensual. So I’d say look for more subtle expressions of sensual appreciations instead of the hardcore porn.

For women, almost the opposite is true. A woman who is sexually uptight will pucker up even tighter at the sight of overt sexuality. Not necessarily hardcore porn, even those expressions that are merely sensuous can make her blush and seek cover. I’m talking about sexuality over mere nakedness. There are plenty of women who might project sexuality by the way they dress who are actually pretty low libido. This is because women use their appearance as a way to compete against other women moreso than attract men. A woman may go to great lengths to project sex appeal without necessarily being all that interested in sex. It’s taken me a long time to even approach the understanding that just because a woman wears a thong it doesn’t mean she is hot to trot.

So how can I truly figure out what her libido might be, based on her interest in things that are sexual, sensual or erotic?

If she shows you nude photographs of herself (as an adult) this is a fairly decent indicator of someone with a strong libido. She’s secure enough in her own skin and her own body. This is still quite a bit “out there” compared to what most people can expect but I mention it because it happened once to me. She showed me her B&W proofs of her various poses and it was definitely a hot time in the cabana that night.

Look at art, literature and movie interests. Look at that DVD collection. Do you see 9 1/2 weeks, Basic Instinct, Unfaithful, Body Heat and assorted other classic sensual thrillers? Or are all the titles confined to Disney animated classics? I’m looking for things that indicate a basic comfort with nudity and sex and things that are erotic.

Supposing you are snooping around your best girl’s house, and stumble upon her vibrator, and half box of condoms, an XX-rated movie and a copy of Kama Sutra. Which of these is a sure fire indicator of HL?

The correct answer is: None of the above. They are all good signs, but none of them is definitive. When it comes to libido, nothing can be taken for granted and nothing is a given.

I think this is why it is important to have as much sexual discussion as possible before actually having sex. It’s actually easier for some LL individuals to have sex than to talk about it. Especially early on. Sex becomes a distraction to intimacy as opposed to facilitating it. Getting sex early on with a LL person is not as hard as you might think. It happens all the time. But there might be another agenda involved on the part of the LL person, which is why they’ll go ahead and have sex early on. By the time the real story is revealed, it is too late. Talking about sex, joking about sex, reading about sex and watching sex in movies together may be a stronger indicator of sexual ease and comfort than being naked together with the lights off.

This is just one of many possible factors that could indicate HL or LL. But there are always exceptions which is why this one dimension can not stand on its own. For instance, there are many HL people who are also conservative in their discussions and treatment of sex. They may have religious beliefs that go against open, blatant displays of sexuality. By the same token, there are LL women who have posed for nude photos and may actually read romance novels and soft-core erotica instead of actually having sex. And it is not uncommon for a man to be wanking off to porn while neglecting his wife. They may be perfectly at ease discussing sex without necessarily being truthful about their own desires. And the younger folks may not even be sure where they are or where their erotic threshold truly lies due to lack of experience.

Look for the red flag, but I would not dismiss someone solely based on this one criteria. More exploration is needed and that is just what we are going to do in this series that dis-aggregates my list so each part of it can be looked at and discussed on it’s own merits. 

D.

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5 Responses to “Digging into the Top 10 a little deeper”

  1. Therese Says:

    This is just one of many possible factors that could indicate HL or LL. But there are always exceptions which is why this one dimension can not stand on its own. For instance, there are many HL people who are also conservative in their discussions and treatment of sex. They may have religious beliefs that go against open, blatant displays of sexuality.

    I think I would be one of your exceptions. I am not comfortable watching graphic sexuality in movies and don’t read erotic novels. I have never even thought about using toys. However, I love sex. I would definitely describe myself as HL. I’m pretty sure RS would not argue with that. I could probably count on one hand the number of times in the past four years that I turned down an opportunity with RS. I also feel relatively adventurous, certainly as much as he is, if not more so. I don’t mind humor or conversation about sex as long as it doesn’t degrade what I consider to be one of the most beautiful things on earth. But I think that with many of your criteria, I would on the surface appear to be LL.

  2. Desmond Jones Says:

    I’ll keep my eye out for subsequent posts in this series, but I’m beginning to think that the HL/LL distinction, at least as it’s commonly understood here and in other blogs, is somewhat missing the point.

    My wife is a lot like Therese; maybe not quite ‘adventurous’, but she’s certainly willing and eager, and I could count on one hand (or less) the times she has begged off sex in 26+ years. But, you wouldn’t want to tell a dirty joke, or use off-color language in her presence; I wouldn’t get two minutes into watching Basic Instinct with her. She would also look ‘LL’ to a lot of the criteria you describe here, but I promise you, she isn’t.

    And, I don’t know that the guy who wanks to porn but neglects his wife is necessarily ‘LL’; he would actually strike me as having a problem with lust that has deformed his sexuality. Classifying him solely in terms of the size of his libido seems to miss the point.

  3. diggerjones Says:

    I think you both raise a good point, which is why I wanted to explicitly point out that there are exceptions to this particular flag. However, I thought it was a good starting point since this is often the first point of “sexual” contact between perspective partners; how do you react to sex that surrounds us in our culture everyday? Keep in mind, I’m trying to figure out what your comfort level is with sex without actually having sex with you. This list has been widely validated by readers but it’s all been retrospective. Readers look at the list and say “That’s MY spouse! I wish I would have seen this list years ago!”

    But religious and conservative people do pose a challenge. I’ll be mindful of this as I move through the series.

    D.

  4. FTN Says:

    As you said, religious and conservative people pose a challenge. Most of the single, Christian women I knew in college were a lot of fun to hang around, but how many times did the topic of sex come up? Not much. We weren’t supposed to be having sex, and we sure weren’t watching Basic Instinct together.

    So, in some ‘Christian’ cases, whether you end up with a women who is LL or HL is just a little bit of a crap shoot, isn’t it? On the surface, Molly and Therese might appear much like Autumn and Arwyn.

  5. diggerjones Says:

    I’m really trying to lessen the “crap” aspect of the shoot and at least see if there is a possibility of making it somewhat of a less blind if not informed decision. I might yet have a surprise or two.

    D.

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