Thinking, talking and having sex is a chore

I’m disaggregating my Top 10 List.  So far we’ve talked about not being inclined to discuss sexual topics, not having sexual fantasies, kissing styles (or lack thereof) and the Eeww Factor.  These are all things a person might be able to see before actually having sex with a person.  As witnessed in the comments section, each of the previous items on this list has some shortcomings and flaws and exceptions.  But they are things I would advise a person to look for before deepening a commitment.

 

The next bunch of items is going to involve much more explicitness and intimacy.  Many are going to involve actually having sex.  The vast majority of people do actually have sex before tying the knot for good or ill.  So maybe the red flags might be easier to spot, right?  Let’s just see…

 

#3 on my list:  Thinking, talking and having sex is a chore. Generally, LL folks lose energy when they have to relate on a sexual level, and they tire of it easily and quickly. HL generally gains energy as the level of sexual tension increases. Sex increases the well-being of people with high sexual thresholds, and not having sex bothers and hurts them on many, many levels.

 

When it comes to sexual appetites and styles, the most common analogy seems to be food.  How often a person eats, how fast they eat and whether they are eating steak, tofu or salad.  But here, I’m going to use something entirely different; shopping.

 

There are those that love to shop.  And most of them are women.  They think nothing of getting up at the crack of dawn, driving through traffic, hassling with parking not to mention dealing with the crowds.  Pretty much anyone who looks forward to Black Friday would be a fan of shopping.  For some, this is the high point of the entire holiday season.  They look forward to it, anticipate it and relish the time spent in a mall or outlet store.

 

For others of us, we absolutely dread it.  It seems like a waste of time, a huge hassle and a huge chore.  If we are coerced or guilted into going, we’re not exactly going to make it a fun experience for the person making us do it, are we?  We suffer through it in the name of love, which is far from what we’re feeling schlepping around a crowded mall.  We get tired very easily.  But our shopping partners, if they succeed in ignoring our complaints, seem to become even more energized over time! 

 

And so it is with HL people.  Sex increases our health, vigor, self-esteem and immune system.  But not just actually having it.  Anticipation will motivate and inspire us.  Talking about sex will perk up most any conversation.

 

Our LL folk are not motivated by sex.  For whatever reason, it drags them down the same way a non-shopper gets worn out just by thinking about shopping.  There are other better uses for their time.  And if they are somehow pressured into doing it, a lousy time will often be had by all.  They do not anticipate sex.  They dread it!  Their dread of lousy sex becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.  It’s hard to have a lovely time doing anything if you are feeling anxious and self-concious about it. 

 

I had some trouble with this entry which is why the series has totally stalled.  But now I have a bit more to say based on a recent blog entry. 

 

Basically, when I read blogs dealing with sex and relationships they are almost always written by someone with a higher libido.  It is very rare to come across a relationship blog written by someone with a low libido and I’ve never encountered a low libido man who was able or willing to articulate on a consistent manner.  Why?

 

Because bloggers write about things that interest them and things that provoke them.  While HL folks are often inspired by intimacy and relationships, LL bloggers would not feel so inclined.  While LL can often be a product of an active aversion it seems to be more often a product of indifference.  They simply forget all about having sex and it never even crosses their minds.  When it does come to the fore, it is regarded as more of a nuisance and an annoyance to be swatted away.

 

Could this be from a lack of confidence?  Perhaps they are unwilling because they believe they are unable.  There are stories about men suffering from ED who withdraw because of their anxieties. Embarrassment keeps them from talking about it.

 

There might be some other possibilities, but I’m sure this factor is linked to having such a paucity of bloggers writing about relationships from a LL perspective.  They simply derive no satisfaction or pay off from a discussion about sex.  In fact, it would be an exercise similar to having to write some sort of term paper or something.  My one best example of a LL blogger, Hazel, often discusses her aversion to sex and sexual encounters with her husband, but aside from the therapeutic value of venting, would rather not even write about it at all.  She uses euphemisms and other assorted literary tactics in an attempt to avoid the subject.  Her use of self-depreciating humor is often employed in an attempt to alleviate the burden of having to discuss something that is so rather distasteful and loathsome. 

 

So is your partner actively avoiding the subject?  Do they quickly try to change the subject if sex somehow becomes part of the conversation?  If you tried to give them some sort of sex quiz, what would be their response?  What sort of response would they give you if you gave them a gift subscription to Cosmo?  Are they throwing the SI swimsuit issue in the trash without looking at it?  These are clear red flags.  And I surprise myself by being able to navigate this particular item without actually having to get into having sex. 

 

But suffice it to say, if you are hearing “Hurry up and finish” on a regular basis during sex, this is a big red flag.  Don’t walk, RUN! Unless you’re a LL person, in which case it might be regarded as music to your ears!

 

D.

 

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One Response to “Thinking, talking and having sex is a chore”

  1. FTN Says:

    I think one of the important things you mentioned is that it isn’t always an active aversion. Sex just isn’t a big deal to some people, and the only big deal is the arguments that might result from their lack of interest. They might not necessarily HATE sex, it’s just not something they really spend much time thinking about.

    While I don’t think my wife is nearly as “low” as many other cases around blogville, I am occasionally surprised when she gets worn out during sex. Especially with how active she has been lately and how much she is working out. She is not necessarily a “hurry up and finish” kind of girl, but at the same time, I can sometimes tell when she’s out of energy and ready for things to conclude.

    Or maybe I’m just an unsatiable sex machine. Hmm. Yeah, I’ll go with that one.

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