Initiation

 

It’s on to the next post about identifying a LL partner.

 

#7 . Initiating. This is also a sore spot, as most HL people on this board complain that if they don’t initiate, nothing is going to happen. Or they have given up, simply because they have been turned down so often. The LL partner generally initiates on an infrequent basis, if at all.

 Looking for number sixI covered Kissing earlier.

 

While this is a very common complaint about LL partners, it is not a very accurate litmus test of libido.  I’ve known many people who liked sex quite a lot who just didn’t like to initiate very much.  Or there are those whose initiation is very subtle, and a person has to hyper vigilant to be able to pick up on it.

 

But it is logical that a person who likes something a lot will find ways of getting it.  Initiation is one of those ways.  What would happen if no one initiated sex?  Would the human race still exist?  Somewhere, somehow, someone has to make the first move.  And most of the time, it will be the one with the higher libido. 

 

Initiation is a function of attention and opportunity.  Our LL partners will often say that they don’t initiate because they have insufficient opportunity because kids, obligations or circumstances.  But when an opportunity does arrive, if they are not attending to sexual needs, they’ll simply forget about it and initiation will not take place.

 

Sexual therapists have examined the desire –> arousal —> initiation-sexual response sequence in order to determine what is up with those who have seemingly miniscule sexual appetites.  They found that many women experienced the sequence out of order.  They often did not experience sexual desire until after they were aroused.  It is common for women to not be in the mood for sex, but enjoying it once they had started and were into it.  This seems to fairly unique to women as I have not heard of a comparable experience for men.  Which means that men are more likely to be initiators.  Our culture also seems to be determined to put the burden on initiation upon men, but ask most men if they would mind women initiating, and most will answer with a HELL NO!  Bring it on!

 

However, in reality, a woman who is overly aggressive may appear to be desperate or needy which can dampen the response of many men.  So for women, initiation can be a tricky thing.  I think this often why they have greater difficulty when they end up with a LL man. 

 

In either case, if the HL person initiates too much (which is totally subjective) they will draw the wrath of the LL person.  However if they never initiate, it will simply never happen.  Again, a woman caught in this will feel even more isolated since her friends are probably complaining about their partners wanting it all the time.  “All the time” being highly subjective.

 

Initiation can also differ in degree and intensity as well as frequency.  Most of us guys don’t do subtle very well, and a woman who thinks she is initiating may wonder why the guy isn’t responding.  Truth be known, he may not be getting it.  For instance my wife at one time years and years ago made a comment about how she was initiating sex a LOT more.  My reaction was “Huh?  Really?”  She went from initiating zero times per week to maybe once every other week.  But her method of initiating might be to simply kiss me a bit more than usual, without increasing the passion.  Her regular kisses and her passionate kisses are nearly identical!  There’s no parading in lingerie or candle lit interludes or even Barry White music.  Perhaps the subtleness is sometimes done on purpose in order that the signals might be more likely to be missed.

 

The other side of initiation, which is even more painful, is the seeming constant rejection endured by the HL partner.  When someone initiates sex, there are two possibilities: acceptance or rejection.  Anything less that full and enthusiastic acceptance is viewed by the HL partner as a sort of rejection.  It’s difficult to imagine any sort of rejection that is more personal than sexual rejection by ones spouse.  When it it happens over and over and over again, the HL person eventually will become wounded enough to stop trying. 

 

This is not to say that there are no legitimate reasons for not having sex.  There certainly are, but both partners need to be mindful enough to know the difference between can’t and won’t, or unable and unwilling.  The unwilling partner can soon turn  the willing one into a very depressed, hurt and broken person.

 

Ideally, both partners should be able to initiate with confidence.  Even if one can not or doesn’t feel like it at the moment, there should be enough trust and confidence that the one who risked rejection won’t be left hanging.  After all, this is what most people do when they date.  If they have to postpone or cancel a date with someone they like, they make alternate plans to get together later.  However being turned down and being rejected sexually by a committed LL partner usually results in no such consideration.  In fact, the HL person learns that repeated rejection usually results in more repeated rejection.

 

It’s difficult to imagine anything passive and non-confrontational working to alleviate a problem of initiation, or the lack thereof.  If you expect your partner to initiate more, it is probably best to say so or at least lavishly reward initiation behavior.

 

D.

 

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2 Responses to “Initiation”

  1. Desmond Jones Says:

    On one of the occasions that I let it slip to Molly that I’d like it if she’d initiate a bit more, she said, “How can I? You’re always beating me to it!” Which is a valid point, I suppose. . . But on the occasions when she does initiate. . . well, HELL YEAH!

  2. f2flutterby Says:

    Digger, your posts about LL partners have been right on the money… at least from my unfortunate experience. 😦

    I’m blogging “My Story” and soon will be getting to the part about me and TH and how the whole LL thing played out. Please come by in the next week or so… I’d love to get your perspective on it.

    p.s. in Pt 2, there’s mention of an improvised, unintended chastity device. Quite improbable but very true, nonetheless. 😀 You might get a chuckle about it.

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