Love Language

It’s on to the next post about identifying a LL partner.


#8. Talking about sex is different. The LL partner generally talks about “giving it up” or “giving the person sex” or “giving in”, and refers to the other partner as the one “getting it” as in “I just gave you some (last month), and I can’t believe you are interested in getting it again!” While the HL person may use similar language, such as “Pleeeze?! Can I pleeeeze have a little somethin’?” they are more likely to refer to it as a shared experience. The HL partner’s fantasy includes being with someone who truly enjoys being with them, finds them sexually exciting really, really wants to jump their bones and responds with lust, desire and passion. All of these components indicate a more shared experience from the HL standpoint. Our partners frequently view it from the standpoint of enduring it and wanting to get it over with.



The language a person uses can often be a strong indicator of there feelings about a thing.  For instance, if asked you to write something about cats, I could tell how you felt about them based on your writing.  If you write about their personalities and how cute they are, you probably like cats.  However if you write about their annoying habits or write a very bland essay, I can assume that you’re just not that much into cats. 


It’s a fact that we tend to interject some amount of extra enthusiasm and description into discussing things we like.  So how do we talk about things we don’t like?


First off, we’ll try to avoid discussing subjects we find distasteful altogether.  But if we must discuss it, we will try to keep it as far away as possible, figuratively holding it away and making it as least personal as possible.  We will try to be clinical and objective.  We don’t want to talk about it, so if forced by circumstance we will do our best to fill the obligatory rhetorical space with as little of ourselves as possible.  It needs to be a very small investment of time and emotional effort.


So first off, notice how a LL person refers to sex as “it.”  “I don’t want to do it.”


By not naming the act, it provides a bit of emotional insulation as opposed to saying “I don’t want to fuck.”  The sexual anatomy is similarly minimized.  “No, I don’t want to touch it.” as opposed to “I’m not in the mood to stick your cock in my mouth right now.”  


For a stellar example of this, saunter over to Hazel’s blog and see how she describes “it.”  She’s totally reluctant to write about it at all, but when she does you can tell straight away that this is anything but pleasant for her.  The entire act is an exchange of her time in return for her husband to be less annoying than he is when he is horny and hasn’t “gotten it” in a long time.


Sex in a clashing libido relationship can all too quickly become a commodity that the LL person gives in return for something from the HL person.  It is something us HLs prize so much that it is easier than gravity to fall into this.  We’ll be nice, we’ll do extra housework, and we’ll generally be more cheerful people if we are getting some sex.


But that is not what we truly want.  No matter how equal the exchange, it is still cheapened by the fact that this is not a shared experience.  If it is anything less than joyful for both people, the entire experience is diminished.  In the case of Hazel, she either deserves an Oscar for acting or her husband deserves a kick in the ass for insensitivity.  Or perhaps this is simply the compromise they have and neither is very happy with it.


There are many things in marriage that can be divided and conquered separately as each partner has different strengths.  There are many hobbies activities and interests that can be enjoyed separately and with other people.   But sex is not one of those things.  It really and truly is a central act of marriage.  Unless a couple agrees explicitly to an alternative arrangement it is generally understood that sex will take place within the marriage and only within the marriage.  There’s no other act that can consummate a marriage or destroy it just as quickly as the act of sex.


Looking at the sex bloggers and how they write, you can tell they have a deep appreciation and enthusiasm for sex.  Else they wouldn’t be writing about sex, would they?


One other blog I want to look at is So Gone.  If you look into her archives, you will see some very, very hot posts about her various sexploits.  She posted on a fairly frequent basis.  Her posts were fueled by a lot of angst and drama but sex was a big part of her content.  Now if you check with her since she’s found herself in the position of being the one with the lower libido, posts are less frequent and totally, totally less explicit.  It’s as if she is putting more distance between her and the experience.


Some people are just naturally shy and they won’t be explicit no matter how much they are liking it.  I was with one of these women for awhile and it was one of the most sexually fulfilling times of my life.  It was a naturally shared experience.  So her “language” was largely nonverbal.  She put my hands where she wanted and her body responded to my touch.  People who didn’t know her would think she was totally innocent, yet she had a very frisky side that enjoyed sex.  Talking for her was an effort regardless, so her language was neither favorable nor unfavorable.  So while this can be a strong indicator for someone naturally talkative (the topic of sex shuts the LL ones up) it may not apply to the shy ones.  Personally I’ll take a shy, quiet freak over a loudmouth prude any day.





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