Unsolicited Advice: 2Amsomewhere

It has been a long time since this blog has lived up to its namesake.  I have given very little unsolicited advice, but seem to be taking an inordinate amount.  Let’s see if I can fix that a bit.

 

At the top of the list is 2Amsomehwere, whose story is really moving along.  Reading him gives a good view how regular therapy keeps things moving and keeps the pot stirred.  In this case, there are two therapists stirring jointly and separately.  Season this with a generous supply of anxiety and stress over a job change, garnish with some sexual anorexia and you’ve got yourself one hot dish of a read.

 

One issue that 2Am‘s wife (who needs a name, by the way) has been pushing is the whole chronic masturbation and sexual addiction theme.  Most folks reading this will not be a stranger to this topic, covered most extensively by FTN and to lesser degrees by Christian Husband and myself.  Cagedone also has been writing about this more lately.  The husband masturbating has come up a time or two in Tajalude’s and C-Marie’s blogs.   I might as well mention Xi who has mentioned taking matters into his own hands, and who is probably blushing right now.

 

Oh, and it was the central theme of the now-closed Horny Old Guy’s blog.

 

But 2Am‘s case is a good one, because here we have a wife who seems to be preoccupied with his masturbation and sexual acting out, while not wanting to actually have any sex with her husband.  In the case of Xi, me and even FTN, the wives could probably care less if we yanked and wanked as long as it wasn’t hurting anyone or costing lots of money.  However 2Am‘s wife is using it as leverage to guilt and shame her husband.

 

The solution to this is really pretty simple.  And elegant.  Basically, all 2am has to do is get a chastity cage and give the keys to his wife.  Then see what happens.

 

My own experience, somewhat matched by Cagedone, is that a typically LL wife has serious difficulties with this position.  Because the guy is placing his sexuality totally into the hands of his wife, it actually tends to increase the pressure over time.  And we know how much LL people like pressure.  In 2Am‘s case, the result is that her objections over his masturbation is rendered totally moot.  She doesn’t have it anymore.  What’s more, now she has some responsibility as the keyholder towards her husband.  The elegance is that it disarms her while shifting the balance of responsibility and power over to her.  My guess is that she would give the keys back in short order and the whole masturbation argument disappears.

 

But I think 2Am is already preparing to unbind himself from this relationship, so it’s unlikely we’ll ever see it play out.  So much bitterness and resentment is there between them and while therapy has helped him individually, I don’t see it as having helped the marriage or his wife.  As he said, she simply hasn’t bothered to really show up.

 

D.

9 Responses to “Unsolicited Advice: 2Amsomewhere”

  1. Tom Allen Says:

    Basically, all 2am has to do is get a chastity cage and give the keys to his wife.

    I’m having a wickedly perverse giggle over this one.

    You do understand, however, that I have in the past come down hard on people who suggest that these devices can be some kind of marital, e.g., relationship aid. Yes, they can be a fun addition to your sex play, but to suggest that $180 worth of plastic hanging from your wabbly bits will straighten out your relationship is just plain silly.

    Still, you make a good case: 2am could neutralize the “pathological masturbation” argument that his wife is (unfairly) throwing at him, and in the process give her some perspective on being considerate toward a partner.

  2. diggerjones Says:

    Hey, this advice is free and you do get what you pay for!

    But if the $180 plastic won’t do it, how about the $750 model? Surely that’s got to to result in *some* progress!

    I dunno. The mental bending that takes place with enforced chastity is something to be reckoned with. But you’re right; there’s usually more to it than can be remedied by doing more chores, asking for less sex and shifting the power structure of the relationship.

    I was musing a bit, and it’s always worth a thought. There’s a few other chaps in blogland who might benefit from some chastity play but I’ll save that for another post or two.

    D.

  3. xi summit Says:

    You only WISH you could make me blush! I may show a great deal of discretion (self-censoring?) in my writings but truth is one of my weaknesses is not knowing when to be embarrassed ….. and while Queenie would have to be kinda daft to not know I manage my own issues often, I have to admit that she and I have never touched the subject and she has never witnesses said act.

    Interestingly enough, there are two other people over the years who have asked for (and been given) details of said practices.

    Would be interesting to hear 2Am’s take on this. Seems like the cage would likely be as detestable to his wife as the masturbating and so would likely not have the desired effect, just further plant in her mind that he has issues. But, as you say, it’s all perhaps moot because his tone is such that one would believe it’s on the edge of too late already.

  4. FTN Says:

    Many wives would, sadly, probably not have much more sex as keyholders. It would be added pressure, yes, but as we’ve discussed before, pressure often just makes things worse. Technically, the low libido person already has some level of control over the sexual part of the relationship — why would having the keys make much difference? She essentially already has “the keys” anyway, right?

  5. Tom Allen Says:

    Holding keys to a chastity device is a more tangible reminder. LL women could easily just ignore the frequency issue. Keyholding makes them actively deny a partner.

  6. Cato Says:

    See, I think doing something like the cage would be only the worst idea ever. That large a dose of pressure and guilt simply cannot be helpful in any way.

    Now I’ve talked to my wife about issues with porn and masturbation, and she understands that she NEEDS to be supportive and helpful in this area. But if it ever comes across as manipulative she’s not going to respond positively. On the other hand, if she knows it has been awhile then she’s generally more open to me saying, “Hey, I could use a hand here.” (or mouth, or whatever).

    So, her just taking over the release every time you want it isn’t the solution, and can’t ever be. The first step is self-control. Gaining some level of continence. If you live in the easy orgasm world of “my body wants this so I MUST give it to it NOW” then your sex life is always going to be disfunctional. That is being controlled by your appetites.

    Self-control, on the other hand, has a massive pay-off. Because when you DO come together with her it is for enjoyment, not need. Which means you can really appreciate it for what it IS.

    Case in point: we were out of town all last week staying with family. The day before we left she started her period. I know she doesn’t like doing anything at her parent’s house, and period-sex is completely out of the question — and I knew all this before we left — so I resigned myself to the fact that I’d have to do without for a couple of weeks. So, I took it as a challenge. Told my body and its instincts, “I am in control, not you.” I just decided to make it a sexual fast as a sacrifice to God.

    Which isn’t easy, but is possible if you put your mind to it.

    The day we get home and she says, “Are you doing OK.” I say yeah, and she says, “No, I mean since it’s been awhile…” I say, yeah, I’m alright. She then offers to help and I accept. And it was fun. Wouldn’t have happened if the first time temptation got difficult I went to her and said, “It’s your job to help with this, now get to it.” There had to be a mix of both sides.

    Generally, I feel that blaming any of this stuff on your partner’s libido — as if any human being’s libido can be so easily and simply classified — is the easy way out. Because it means you don’t have to look at yourself and your own actions. I’ve come to realize that my wife is a very loving and sexual woman. Our previous issues were mainly tied to my own self-centeredness and refusal to conquer my own desires. Instead I’d think that if my body wanted sex then I must NEED sex and it was her job to be there on demand and that sort of attitude translates into a relationship that is never going to be healthy. I started treating her with respect and sex as something other than a bodily necessity and the relationship was able to heal.

  7. Xianhusband Says:

    Oops, used my fark handle there. Sorry about the confusion.

  8. diggerjones Says:

    Tom, thanks for covering FTN’s comment. That is actually part of the strategy is to take something *passive* and to make it active and intentional. In my case, if we’re not going to play at having sex, why not play at NOT having sex?

    But xtian/cato you are correct in saying that there is still extra sexual pressure there which upsets LL folks terribly. Having said that, in the libido argument you have no idea what you are talking about. Going a week, or two or three or four or even a matter of *months* because of circumstances is one thing. Going *years* without it is something else entirely, especially when there are no circumstantial or physical issues. I went 11 months when my wife was pregnant and on bed rest pretty much from the moment of conception without complaint. That is doable. I might not have been particularly happy the entire time, but that’s the way it was. Did I get myself off? Yes.

    And I was just about to do it again right now, until you spoiled my mood!

    Is there such a thing as a low libido temperament? Look around. FTN’s wife is open to getting shagged and occasionally enjoys but she clearly has issues e.g. having the lights out, having to make an appointment ahead of time, having things planned ahead of time, talking about sex, not liking oral sex…the whole thing.

    You are right, there needs to be some meeting in the middle and you and your wife BOTH happened to work towards that. You’ve got a good thing going. Don’t blow it.

    D.

  9. Tom Allen Says:

    You’ve got a good thing going. Don’t blow it.

    *enjoys the pun*

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