RXNs

I managed to Hoover up a few more of Finished Last’s blog before it went dark, and it’s a pity he had to take it down. But I do understand as his real life seemingly comes crashing about his ears, one can’t afford to be all sentimental about a blog. I was interested in his posts about his job and family as well as his phenomenal weight loss program. Who sets out and loses 50 pounds in 6 months? That really inspired me to seriously attack my diet and I’m seeing major results. So if yer readin’, FL, tanks!

I just finally had a chance to download that FTN-FADKOG podcast. That was interesting and a bit surreal to actually be linked in a podcast. Thing is, each of them had voices similar to what I would have imagined them to sound like. FTN had a certain whimsical quality to it, while FADKOG had a sexy sarcastic quality that comes through in her writing.

Seriously, I do find sarcasm to be sexy sometimes.

And now let’s get to the premiere reaction post of the week, which would be to Xian Husband’s post “Disfunction.” In it he takes a decidedly pointed jab at various unnamed bloggers who happen to claim to have wives with low libidos and tells them that they need to be real men and suck it up and fulfill their God-given roles as husbands to love their wives just as they are.

My first reaction was to rip the guy’s head off, and take a crap down his neck. Figuratively speaking, of course.

But if one can get past a few of the smaller issues and minor prescriptive over simplifications, there’s some truth to what he says. quite a lot actually. In fact he resonated with his question, “Why are you wanting to have sex so bad, anyway?”

Why indeed! That’s fodder for a future blog post.

I may return to this in a moment, but first I do need to clarify a couple of things. First off, XH has made no secret that he has problems with labeling anyone low libido (LL). He simply rejects the notion that people just might have a temperament that is asexual or perhaps even aversive to sex. This view threatens to undermine all of his credibility since hypo sexual desire disorder is a pretty well known and documented condition amongst those in the medical profession. I call it low libido and perhaps that’s an oversimplification but I do it mostly out of convenience. LL certainly casts a wider net than HSDD.

My Top Ten list is designed to be sort of diagnostic rather than prescriptive. In fact, I rarely offer much in the way of prescriptions for sexual dysfunction because I’m all too familiar with the complexities of the topic. I was on iVillage getting a female perspective (both LL and HL) long before blogging.

When XH suggests that a guy do more household chores in order to obtain more intimacy and affection, this is equivalent to asking the ladies in the same boat to wear sexier lingerie. It’s a bit insulting and a gross over simplification. There is even less cause-effect here than with the lingerie.

One really surprising thing in XH’s suggestions for solving the “imaginary” CL problem, is that he omitted the single biggest thing that contributed to him getting his own relationship turned around. Why he omitted all of the work he put into implementing Harley’s Love Bank principle’s, I have no idea. But it was when he began spending real genuine quality time with his wife that it appeared he was gaining some real traction in his quest for better intimacy.

He suggests loving a wife exactly as she is as the perfect prescription, but again that is not exactly where XH went, himself. Again, he omits his very important decision to sacrifice his sexuality to God in an attempt to draw closer to God. Perhaps these two things happened in tandem, and one would seem to follow the other. I do think his spiritual dedication played no small role, here.

I’m not prepared to discount his entire post,though. I think rededicating ourselves to mutual service (even if done unilaterally) isn’t a bad thing. It’s pretty much what God did for us through His Son.

I think I would be much, much more interested in reading Zanaleigh’s take on this topic. Afterall, she’s in a much better position to talk about when the light bulb went on and what it was, specifically, that began turning things around for her. Was it the extra housework? Was it XH’s selflessness in the face of her selfishness? Was it XH’s steadfast determination and faithfulness in the face of constant rejection?

Perhaps there will be a follow-up to this later.

 

Post edit: Oddly enough, FTN was the only one to really challenge XH in the comments and he certainly would have cause. His dedication towards his wife has made more than one female blogger pretty much swoon or at least become very envious. And most of us guys feel fortunate that our wives don’t read him. Otherwise, XH’s unsolicited advice was pretty favorably received.

This book caught my eye and the title sort of reminded me of XH’s position:

If You Don’t Die to Self, I May Have to Kill You: An Extreme Marriage Makeover

D.

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9 Responses to “RXNs”

  1. So Gone Says:

    My Man & I just read the Love Language book, so how appropriate of you to write about it now, haha. Anyways, after completing our quizzes, we found that we are exact opposites in charting our “love languages”. Seriously. Exact opposites. So, yeah, things are good for us, but to keep them great, we need to work on how we express things for each other. The key thing is, we are both working on it. I think that if a man does 100% of what his wife wants, and gets nothing in return (which, I suspect, would happen to you if you gave 100% to Arwyn), it could breed some serious resentment. Some people just don’t want sex as much, and yeah, it could be related to the relationship, but I think that some people, no matter what you do for them, just might not change.

  2. Desmond Jones Says:

    You know, many moons ago, I was having a similar discussion with Molly, and she pretty much echoed XH, interestingly enough – “Who the heck are you to be evaluating my libido?”, or words to that effect.

    And, I don’t know if I ever blogged about it explicitly, but we had a similar ‘light-coming-on’ moment, maybe five years or so ago. For us, it came when a couple of our kids went haywire on us, and we kinda looked at each other and said, ‘we may lose our kids, but we’re not gonna lose our marriage’. And, I don’t know if we became more attentive to each other, or what, exactly, but our marriage was radicalized from that moment.

    We never had a bad marriage, or an unsatisfying sexual relationship, but what had been pretty good, just took off and went amazing.

    Which, I suppose isn’t terribly helpful to you. Only that XH’s post resonated with me.

    And honestly, I just take about 80% of what he said to be an elaboration on “take the log out of your own eye before you point out the speck in your spouse’s eye”. . .

  3. Digger jones Says:

    I know a lot of people put a lot of stock in the love language perspective and it’s similar to the whole modality perspective in learning. It’s interesting, but is absent any scientific evidence to back it up. I do have to admit that Arwyn has made an attempt to at least make things more civilized and less contentious, and I’ll take that for the moment. What XH is saying that we should give regardless of what we get back or if we get anything back. Is such a thing sustainable, So Gone? Not for me, which is why God has to figure prominently in there. the Creator of the universe and the One who raises the dead could raise my corpse of a marriage up.

    I totally agree with you as to the “Take the log out of your own eye…” thing. I plan on using mine to build a medium-sized subdivision if I can get them all out. It’s good to know there are some healthy marriages out there amongst the train wrecks that I tend to collect.

    D.

  4. So Gone Says:

    >>What XH is saying that we should give regardless of what we get back or if we get anything back. Is such a thing sustainable, So Gone? <<

    Hell no… for most people, anyways. I’ve only visited XH a few times, and like most, I highly doubt that if things didn’t turn around for him and his wife in a timely manner (like they did), he would not still be worshiping the ground she walks on and doing everything she wants, like he says he does.

  5. FTN Says:

    Hmm, I’m a bit late to this post. For some reason it didn’t pop up in my feedreader… But this was really interesting to read.

    Perhaps just because you mentioned me a couple of times. 🙂

    Glad you finally were able to hear the podcast, Digger. You’d be a fascinating co-podcast-er with me, but I suspect that would be near impossible over dial-up! If you have access to a high-speed connection and are up for it someday, lemme know.

    XH does make some very valid points, and as you noticed, I jumped on the few points that I didn’t quite agree with. I would be really interested in hearing his wife’s take on things as well, but I somehow doubt she’ll be willing to be that forthcoming to the world.

  6. K Says:

    I read F.L.’s blog and really enjoyed his Story of Us posts too. I was sorry to see he had to shut down. His wife has a blog where she mentions the name of the church he pastored and I saw on the church Web site that he did step down.

    It funny how you can care about someone you don’t really know at all. I’m sure in this hard time he feels comfort knowing people still care.

  7. Xian Husband Says:

    Figures. I don’t read this blog for a couple of weeks (because it had been awhile since it had been updated) and that is immediately when Digger starts blogging about me.

    Are there other things than what I mentioned in that one post that contributed to what has gone on between my wife and me? Certainly. But are they related? I believe so. So, the “love languages” thing. I realized that she wanted and needed me to spend time with her — not doing anything more than just watching TV with her.

    But, then again, part of me had always known that. I’d only been living in the same house with her for seven years — you kind of pick that stuff up. It’s just that the sit in the bed and watch reality TV part of her wasn’t something I had ever really accepted. I wanted her to spend time with me the way I wanted it spent.

    When I started making sure to just sit down with her and spend time with her it wasn’t because I necessarily learned something new, but that I had finally decided to accept her for who she is — all of her.

    The spiritual journey I’ve been on is tied intimately to this. We, as men, are to love our wives as Christ loves His church — unconditionally. We, as men, are to take the leadership role in our household. Part of getting right with God, is becoming the person He wants me to be. Which means growing up, acting like a man, accepting my wife for who she is — and accepting my role as provider for HER, not treating her like my mom in that I want her to provide for ME. Because the whole “why won’t you just give me sex” is telling her role is to provide that for me. But that’s not the way it is to work. I am to provide her what she — and the kids — need. She is to be the helper, but I am to be the provider.

    At the time I decided to “sacrifice my sexuality” to God I said something about this that is still true and is still relevant. I had to get to a place — and still have to often, as this is a continual journey, not a destination — where I don’t need anything from her, but only need what my Father chooses to give me. After that, whatever she (and He, working in concert through the miracle of providence) chooses to give me is accepted as a special gift. Something to be enjoyed because it is freely given. Not something necessary that she is under compulsion to provide.

    What I need I get from my Father — and He gives it because He loves me for who I am, not because I earn it. My role to play in this drama is to be a provider — an agent working for the Father — giving what is needed to my wife and children. It works that direction, not the other. I don’t give the Father anything He needs. But my love and devotion and submission are something He wants and enjoys. Same in the next step — what my wife has and gives — her love and care and friendship — is something I want and enjoy. But you have to take the neediness out of it first. The neediness messes up the proper gender relations on one hand, and makes the whole thing a whole lot less enjoyable as well.

    So, in the limited space of that one blog entry I tried to boil this all down into a few concise principles that cover the internal changes I believe were necessary for me. I couldn’t include everything, because space and time are finite. But I still believe that showing our wives strength and masculinity and headship and self-less devotion is the key to all of it.

  8. xi summit Says:

    Digger, you may want to make a quick visit to Finished Last’s blog, much of the content mysteriously re-appeared today. I don’t have time until later to harvest it in case it goes away again but will try later.

    Much of it (profile, comments, etc) does not function but I have been able to get at his last set of posts.

  9. xi summit Says:

    OK, so my interest was premature. There is just the one page of posts available, the other links don’t function. But it is strange that it suddenly reappeared …..

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