#10: Hostility

  It’s on to the next post about identifying a LL partner.

 

#10. Hostility towards discussing the topic. Generally, the LL folks regard having to discuss the clashing libido issue as pressure, which leads to #9. They will generally avoid the subject and definitely avoid discussing the problem or deny that there is one at all. Included in this is shifting responsibility back to the other partner. The problem should be a *shared* concern, not just a matter of fixing one person or the other. Chances are, both partners have contributed and both need to be involved in mending the relationship.

 

I have one more entry after this one in this series that I have dragged out forever.

 

In many ways, this is the ultimate bind that someone attached to a LL partner faces.  The rejection, the boundries, the depression and hurt are all largely dealt with alone and in isolation because of this characteristic.

 

Sometimes one may think this is a variation of avoiding sexual topics of discussion.  That can be the case but not necessarily.  There are many LL partners who will tallk about sex plenty in a social setting, but will not discuss the clashing libido problem.  In fact they will deny there is a problem at all or try to make it all about the partner. 

 

Avoidance has been a major theme around here, but this is the ultimate and will make the problem almost impossible to solve.  Most professionals agree that communication is a crucial part of making a relationship work especially when it comes to points of contention.  If couples can communicate about a problem, they can negotiate some sort of solution.  However, by actively avoiding the topic, it makes the problem virtually impossible to solve or deal with.

 

So why do LL people avoid discussing the conflict?  There several possible reasons.

 

First, there is apparently a persistent patterrn of denial, where the problem is either denied completely or minimized.  Remember that earlier we talked about the LL person always having better things to do or higher priorities.  For them, a day without sex is like  a day without cavities.  So talking about it would seem pointless.

 

Another reason is that often this is a persistent problem that goes on for years.  Chances are this is a discussion that comes up again and again.  The LL person is sick and tired of talking about it and may simply decide it isn’t worth the effort of talking about it.

 

Guilt can sometimes be a big part of it.  A confrontation and discussion brings on massive feelings of guilt folllowed by a massive amount of defensiveness.  Guilt and defensiveness seem to go hand-in-hand, so avoiding the conflict or striking back are natural reactions.

 

To a LL person who has dealt with themselves forever, and is being mostly trrue to themselves, the discussion is truly pointless.  Nothing can be said or done to change who they are inside.  “I’m sorry I can’t be the person you want me to be'” is a particularly poignant response I read one time when a HL woman confronted her LL husband.  Since the LL has absolutely no intention of changing, the discussion is akin to beating a dead horse.  They see little reason to change as they are not the ones suffering directly.  However, indirectly there may be a cost in the form of guilt.

 

How does a body move past such a stalemate in communication?  It’s really interesting to read how other bloggers in my circle deal.  One way is when the HL partner gets pissed enough that they force a crisis.  An affair or divorce are two of the most common ways.  However, in both of these cases, the LL can and will cast themselves as the victim.  They may not get how they brought these consequences on themselves.

 

Another way is to practice the art of confrontation.  Basically making intimacy a major issue and keeping it out there in front until the LL sees the error of their ways and begins to fly right.  But there is no way to force a person to be attracted to you who is not.  And fighting does not increase the libido for someone who already suffers from the lack.

 

Therapy is the much-vaunted and promoted solution and suggestion.  And therapy may help with many things such as dealing with the LL person who refuses to talk about their sexual hangups.  But it is a mistake to think that this will even appraoch the problem.  Some of the difficulty lies in the diversity of therapy approaches and most of them are not as effective as a bottle of good wine and are certainly more expensive.

 

The other difficulty is that avoiding the subject is such a core feature and one that is ingrained so deeply that they are experts at evasion.  Getting them to agree to therapy in the first place will most certainly be a challenge.  Once there, it will be extraordinarily easy to lazily stroll down the trail of inner and subconscious issues with parental relationships.  Months and months will be spent delving into various underlying issues in the name of getting to the root of the problem.  There are many, many conflicts and projections and reaction formation issues that have to be peeled away in the LL’s inner onion.  There will be tears.  There will be hugs.  There will be insights discovered.  There will be mysteries uncovered.  But there won’t be much sex talk.  There also won’t be much sex.   If  the therapist begins pressing the sex issue, therapy will end.  So evasion works to the benefit of the therapist, too. 

 

I’m painting a rather dark picture, but this is similar to getting an anorexic to open up.  Secretiveness and evasiveness are core features and the skill required for treatment is beyond those relying on talk therapy. 

 

But I hate ending on such a downer note.  There might be a way out of the bind but it might not be for everyone.

 

The best real and true example I have of someone who has apparently fought and won this clashing libido struggle is Christian Husband.   He didn’t start blogging until the tide had already begun to turn for him, but go back in the archives you can see where he went.  From his own account, his sex life was resurrected Lazerus-like from a very dismal condition.  He strongly and powerfully applied spiritual principles toward the problem with great effect which has only improved over time. 

 

Is Gloria talking more about sex now than she was a year ago?  Are the conversations easier now?  Certainly there seems to be more of a pleasure factor for her which has resulted in a happier result for both of them.   It seems to be a spiral pointed in the right direction. 

 

D.

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5 Responses to “#10: Hostility”

  1. Tom Allen Says:

    For them, a day without sex is like a day without cavities.

    LMAO! That’s the funniest thing I’ve read all week!

  2. Hazel Says:

    True! lmao. Very true! lol

  3. Hazel Says:

    …I mean re the cavities.

  4. Trueself Says:

    Yes, I agree with Tom Allen. LMAO too.

    If I may add, they do seem to look at having to have sex with the same enthusiasm as a visit to the dentist so it is a very very appropriate analogy.

  5. diggerjones Says:

    I was actually thinking of how to compare it to going to the dentist, so yeah, the cavity analogy was born. And it holds over for the next section of this series as well, which it just now occurred to me.

    D.

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