Fooled you, didn’t I? I’m disaggregating my Top 10 ways of Identifying LL Partner, and this was not next on my list. But I’m looking at ways to identify without actually having sex. And kissing is a big one.
In the beginning of a relationship, a body is flooded with dopamine and serotonin almost to the point of drunkenness. This why so many ideas which seem good at the time turn out to be really dumb and costly mistakes. This is also why we overlook so many red flags in those early days.
Kissing is one of those activities that most couples who are interested in each other engage in frequently. Or at least that is the expectation. I would expect someone who has a healthy high libido to want to engage in some lusty face sucking activities. If frequency becomes an issue in the courting phase, I would see that as a serious red flag. It’s very rare that desire and arousal increase over the years once a couple shares a mortgage and kids. Kissing often would seem to be a healthy bonding activity that differentiates this relationship from any other even before marriage.
Another dimension, in addition to frequency, of kissing is duration. There are some people who like the very long kisses and those who like very quick ones. If the kissing diet consists of only very quick, short kisses, I would see this as a LL marker. One reason for the quicker kisses is not having mastered the art of breathing during prolonged lip locks. This is a learned skill and refusing to learn is another one of those flags I would look for. I adore a good long kiss that make the toes curl and the hair stand up on end. But maybe I’m beeing overly harsh, here. Different stroke for different folks and all that. But clashing kissing styles could be a key indicator of future clashes.
Along with duration is depth. I do not expect my wife to kiss me the same way as my mother and grandmother might kiss me. I also do not expect a “Goodbye, have a nice day” kiss to be the same as “I really WANT you…NOW!” kiss. Friendly, routine kisses should be somewhat discernable from the passionate ones and depth as well as duration is a major indicator. “Deep” meaning the mouth is open and tongues are doing some sort of dance and play together. Maybe some nibbles around the lips. One should not be able to receive such a kiss while gritting their teeth. Failure to kiss beyond the shallowest of levels is what I would consider to be a serious red flag. One I ignored. Gritting my teeth in frustration with shallow kisses is more the norm for me now.
So ideally we would experience long, deep, sensual kisses on a very frequent basis. Kissing is the gateway to other sensual delights and failure to frolic in this lush entry way to the more erotic and sexual gardens should be cause for pause.
In any future life, I would consider this a deal breaker. Knowing what I do now, I might give it a couple of make-out sessions but if I’m being forced to keep my tongue behind my teeth I know this does not bode well for a sexually satisfying relationship. I’m not necessarily talking about sticking a tongue down a person’s throat. I’m talking about a sensual dance that grows in intensity.
Perhaps this is also a good place to talk about public displays of affection (PDA). I’m not sure PDA is a reliable indicator of anything because it can be used to simply put on a front for others. I know that in the early weeks of most of my relationships we get to a point where we can’t keep our hands off each other. Hugging, hand holding and an occasional kiss in public are indicative of affection but affection does not always translate into sex. There are lots of people who like cuddles who don’t like the intimacy of naked sexual contact. In fact, some LL persons may prefer the safety of PDA because this does not necessarily translate to sex later so there is less pressure. So the kissing that goes on in private is a lot better indicator of relative libido.
D.
Unsolicited Advice: Wordpress Version 
January 9, 2007 at 3:14 pm |
Alas, I fear I’m going to skew your sample again, Digger. The first time Molly and I kissed was when she accepted my proposal of marriage (I’m not joking). Our first, um, extended make-out session was during the movie we went to after dinner that evening.
Of course, I had other kisses before Molly, and, to be brutally candid, both of my OGFs were more, um, ‘talented’ kissers than she is. (At this point in my comment, I’m banking on the serious unlikelihood of Molly reading this.) But my wife is eager and involved in her kisses, and even our ‘hello’ kisses can be fairly ‘extended’, and involve a lot of soft tissue.
As a marker of the sexual proclivities to come, you might be right. I sure don’t expect that many others would follow our pattern (and I don’t necessarily hold it up as any kind of ‘norm’), but – just sayin’ – if your first kiss isn’t until after the commitment to marriage has been made (albeit scant seconds afterward), it’s not terribly useful as an ‘evaluative tool’.
January 9, 2007 at 4:17 pm |
I think the comments section is here solely for the purpose of us telling stories that skew Digger’s data set.
Autumn and I kissed a bunch before we got married. Because we weren’t having sex, we were using our energies elsewhere — things like kissing. Deeply. For a long, long time, late into the night (or early into the morning, sometimes).
Now, however, she seems to have forgotten the breathing thing that you mentioned. Perhaps she un-learned? Deep, long kisses are pretty rare in our house, except occasional wild ones during a very good sexual encounter now and then. And when that happens, it’s often the best part of sex. Strange? I think it just shows how much I miss it.
January 9, 2007 at 4:43 pm |
Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a match! Congratulations, Digger! For once I’m not screwing up your theories.
I, like Desmond, had planned on not kissing anyone until I was married, or at least engaged. This was not something that RS and I had talked about, though. When we first exchanged “I love yous” he kissed me. I was so surprised! And not unpleasantly so. I LOVE kissing. Soft, short kisses, long, deep passionate ones, it doesn’t matter.
A year ago he stopped kissing me along with everything else (Aside from a few perfunctory kisses). I actually thought as well that it was an indicator that he was no longer sexually interested in me. Living in such a desert is horrible! Sigh… Obviously, there were other issues afoot that I didn’t know about.
But I think that this one, maybe the only one (we’ll see), probably gave at least a preview as to how I’d be after I got married.
January 18, 2007 at 5:19 am |
Well, as you may or may not have noticed, my series has stalled a bit. I have an item that would fit in the next spot that never made the original Top 10 list, but I think it needs to be there. The “Eeww Factor” really does belong there because those who have certain aversions are going to be less likely to participate in certain activities. It’s hard to imagine the character “Monk” being a wild, carefree sex maniac!
True, kissing alone isn’t going to give the whole picture, as is any other single factor. Must look at the aggregate. Desmond, you simply are an outlier of a data point! An aberration! I think you might have the right idea, but statistically it screws things up!
Still, I think as an indicator of a LL person, NOT enjoying a good make out session seems to be fairly reliable. That’s not to say fans of kissing have to be fans of sex, but the reverse seems to be more true. Someone who shows reluctance for extended kissing will probably not be a big fan of extended love making.
D.
March 23, 2007 at 2:43 am |
[…] Looking for number six? I covered Kissing earlier. […]